U.S. Postal Service Ends Next-Day Letter Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service (USPS) plans to end next-day delivery of letters, postcards and other First Class mail. Reaction from the public has been immediate and negative. Homeowner Dino Sore said, "This must be a red letter day for Congress who has given this plan its stamp of approval and will try to zip legislation through that reduces the size of the USPS. I'd like to see more female legislators involved because Congress is a mail-dominated body with men who go postal at the first sign of trouble. The average homeowner will take a licking as a result of this plan and I will address this issue immediately." A chronic mistrust of the USPS seems to envelop homeowners who see themselves as First Class citizens who want to make it a Priority to Express themselves over this unfortunate news. Homeowners might take solace in the fact that some of them are fighting back but, in reality, the bill before Congress is signed, sealed and delivered.

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Fox Business Channel Attacks the Muppets

The Fox Business Channel has accused the Muppets of brainwashing children after having viewed the new Disney movie "The Muppets" - that apparently "plants the seeds of class warfare among children". Disney spokesperson, the Sweetum Don Pluto, staying at the Waldorf and speaking with a Froggy in his throat, responded by saying that, "Dog gonzo it, I wish Fox would let bygonzos be bygonzos. This is a fozzie situation that Fox is trying to exploit and I smell a Rat. The day that a child is brainwashed by a Muppets movie is the day that Piggys will fly. I think that the Fox person who is voicing this concern is a Grouch and a Monster who's been sniffing some Elmo's glue. This accusation is for the Big Birds and I will not kermit the Fox to guard our henhouse. I am not the media's puppet and I will say what's on my mind - no strings attached." After the interview, Pluto was in a Fraggle state of mind and had to Scooter off to be alone.

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Water Becoming a Scarce Commodity

A recent article in Fortune Magazine warns us that the world has "too many people, too little water" and that water could become the "gold of the 21st century". During a recent TV talk show that featured guests Billy Ocean, Joan Rivers and Ricki Lake listening to old Muddy Waters blues songs, critic Chloe Reen, who was fired up, said, "The Fortune writer is trying to pour oil on troubled waters. She's a little wet behind the ears and her writing style is too dry. She should drink in all the publicity because, as soon as people react to her fear-mongering, she'll be all washed up. She's currently riding a wave of popularity but the tide will soon turn."  An obviously irrigated Fortune editor George Sea. Fogg reacted by saying, "An apology from Reen is long over-dew as her head appears to be in the clouds. Every time she pipes up I get all steamed because people shower her with compliments for trying to rain on our parade. She has a lot of resentment on tap that is bottled up inside her, ready to be distilled on an unsuspecting public. Dam her for criticizing an article that refers to an urgent problem and that is the high water mark for the reporter who wrote it."

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Milk Filling Station Opens in Germany

A German dairy farmer has opened up a "milk filling station" where consumers can buy milk from a stainless steel vending machine. Dairy farmer Beau Vine, from Lac Tate in Quebec, Canada, is against the idea, feeling that purchasing milk at grocery stores is a sacred cow. Vine said, "I've turned sour on the idea of milk filling stations because they're udder nonsense. If mammary serves me correctly and I've kept abreast of current trends, this was tried and failed miserably in the USA, the land of milk and honey. US farmers tried to butter up the public with stories of fresher milk, but American consumers had a cow when they learned that farmers were trying to skim profits from them. I give these vending machines a 1%, maybe a 2% chance of surviving." US dairy farmer Cal C. Um, nursing a bruised calf, said that, "I wish that Vine would stop milking this dead cow. His story is hard to digest and I want to tell him that it's no use crying over spilled milk". This is a moo-ving story that is dairy, dairy disturbing.

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P&G Reports Drop in Net Income

Procter & Gamble Co., the world's largest consumer products company, reported a drop in net income due to higher raw material costs. Company President Dee Press-Marquette, a Charmin  woman from the Ivory Coast, commented that, "There's con-Fusion within our company about these results because we are used to Always experiencing a Gain instead of a decrease. We're used to seeing great news Cascade throughout our organization and so we Rejoice at being Head & Shoulders above our competitors. As the company's President, last year I was at the Crest of my popularity as I led P&G in a mad Dash to turn the Tide during the recessionary environment. It's our Natural Instincts and the Herbal Essences of who we are as a company to do Wella in trying times. Well, things are no longer Nice 'N Easy and we have to show our Braun and let the marketplace know who the Hugo Boss is. Going forward, our strategies will be to learn the new Olay of the land, operate at MACH 3 speed and efficiency and Safeguard our position in the marketplace. This approach will be the Secret to our renewed success."

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Researchers Discover Way to Measure Pain

Pain researchers at Stanford University have found a way to objectively measure pain by monitoring brain activity. Many scientists are sceptical, including pain researcher Moe R. Feen, a real drip, who said, "The Stanford researchers are a real pain in the ass and have become the victims of a sting operation. If they don't retract their findings they'll inevitably suffer the agony of defeat. To add insult to injury, the Stanford researchers have stabbed me in the back by excluding me from their findings - an omission that only rubs salt into my wounds". Stanford researcher, heartthrob Henry Hurt, fought back by saying that, "It's true that it's been a long path that led us to our conclusions but - no pain, no gain. Feen is just being a sore loser who will suffer the consequences of his words. He's a tortured soul who has gotten himself in harm's way and is nothing more than a sore loser. We'll grant Feen some time to go off and lick his wounds and suffer in silence." Feen, when hearing Hurt's words, declared, "Now that smarts".

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Travolta New Ambassador for Bombardier Jets

Actor and pilot John Travolta has been hired by Bombardier Inc. to be a brand ambassador for its line of jets. According to Hollywood insider Marty Buzzov, this idea will never take off. Buzzov said that, "Either Travolta was able to Grease somebody's palms or he was sleeping with The General's Daughter - but, in either case, it's a Perfect deal for him. Look it, I don't want to Face Off against John because I'd be toeing The Thin Red Line, but these actors' endorsement deals are a Phenomenon that are the key to them financially Staying Alive. I bet that John will Bolt from this contract - resulting in a Civil Action from Bombardier." Travolta responded by saying that, "The Basic facts are that, before signing this deal, I spoke with my agents Carrie and Michael who advised me that these types of deals are a Lucky Numbers game and that Bombardier came through with the green and more green - Primary Colors that we like to see! These people are Two of a Kind who are The Experts who advised me to Be Cool and live Moment by Moment - so I took their advice and vow never to have a Blow Out with the Bombardier folks." Believe it or not, John left the interview with a Saturday Night Fever - after all, truth is stranger than Pulp Fiction.

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