Royal Wedding Dilemma

My Lord, this isn't a Noble gesture on my part but you can Count on me to Duke it out with my wife on April 27 for control of the TV during the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. I vow not to watch the wedding so my wife might just crown me with the TV remote but, my home is my castle, and, by George, her actions will ring hollow with me. Right now I'm not an Abbey camper and I don't have any Earls of wisdom to offer and, for the time being, I might be down for the Viscount, but I am a well-groomed man who never Wales and is determined to watch what I want on my Philips TV. There is a to-Di-for King of Queens marathon on at the same time and I am determined to watch it - there's no Middleton ground in this matter.

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Online Gambling Sites Indicted by US Attorney

Three Internet gambling companies have been accused by the US Attorney in Manhattan of committing crimes such as bank fraud, money laundering and illegal gambling. Representatives of the three companies, Cassie Noh, the black Jack King of Queens and Lou (Texas) Holdem, vehemently denied the charges. They issued the following statement: "The US Attorney is an Ace-hole and a high roller who wants a showdown with us because he'll think that we'll fold under the pressure. Well, I've got news for him - we're all studs - three of a kind who won't crack when the chips are down. He can up the ante on us all he wants but he won't stack up to us because we realize that there's a lot at stake". The US Attorney, Jack Pott, a poker-faced high roller with a blue chip list of clients, declared, "If the three of them think that I'm a wild card who's isn't serious about pursuing this indictment then let them call my bluff. My ace in the hole is that we are royal flush with cash and so are prepared for a long fight".  Pott, a cut-above the average public attorney who has recently survived a management shuffle, is holding his cards close to his vest with respect to his next move. Pott bid farewell to me and made it quite clear that this case is a big deal to him.

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Disney Revamping its Stores

Disney has decided to pump lots of money into revamping its 365 retail outlets over the next five years. In light of recent trends towards online sales, reaction to this bricks-and-mortar investment varies. Comments are:

- "The Disney folks are Lightyears ahead in creating a Buzz about their stores".
- "This is a Goofy, Mickey Mouse move that is nothing but a Minnie-disaster".
- "The Beasts at Disney have finally answered the Belle when the Chips are down - what a Beauty-ful move".
- "I hate to burst their Bubbles, but these management Squirts at Disney will never increase their cash Flo
    with this move that does nothing but Crush the company's investors. I can't take it anyNemo".
- "When I first heard the news I hit the Flora but now I'm kind of Fauna of a bold move by these Sleeping   
    Beauties at Disney".
- "I was at Wendy's when I heard this news and I wish that investors would give The Lost Boys at Disney
    the Hook for Tinkering with this dumbo idea".
- "At first I was Grumpy but then I was Happy to see the Sleepy, Dopey and Bashful directors at Disney
    do something that will Dwarf anything that they've ever done before".

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Energy Crisis is Here

Energy economist Peter Tertzakian is warning that "we are approaching a "break point" where no major energy source is simultaneously cheap, secure and clean".  Three Department of Energy officials, the well-oiled Mohammed O. Peck, the radiant Cher Noble and the fuelish Olive Oyle, hosted a meeting of energy companies and reported that, "The nuclear industry, after the Fukushima situation, when informed of the mounting opposition to nuclear energy, had a meltdown. They believe that they have the nucleus of a strong team that, in the days ahead, will clear up much of the con-fusion concerning this explosive situation. The well-drilled oil industry officials were quite pumped at the start of the meeting but didn't seem to have a lot of energy in reserve towards the end. The natural gas industry has developed a new slogan - "We shale overcome". The wind energy representatives were blowing a lot of hot air and seemed to be going around in circles - this took a lot of wind out of their sails. The Solar energy people were hot under the collar and felt burnt when they weren't supported by the solar panel at the meeting - solar energy is clearly a hard cell. For peat's sake, fossil industry officials were given the coal shoulder and were on the rocks after their presentation seemed to bog down and so was perceived to be the pits". In general, the meeting was full of noise pollution and didn't generate any electricity among participants.

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Grammys Reduce Number of Categories

Organizers for the Grammys announced that they are reducing the number of categories from 109 to 78. Music industry observer Carrie Solo, suffering from a slipped disk, said, "I want to take note and go on record to say that this decision is music to my ears. I've been working the music beat for a long time and it's a good decision to scale down the number of categories. In the past, I've been quite vocal about this issue and so I feel instrumental in influencing the decision-makers to change their tune. In the past, I gave the Grammys managers a bad rap because I haven't been in a-chord with their policies but I've now taken note of the decision that they have just orchestrated". Not everyone agrees with the decision. Critic Al Bum, who just returned from being out of the country but looking all jazzed up in his new clothes, countered, "This decision doesn't represent the gospel truth - it's a response to a choir of fans who were singing the blues about the length of the Grammys show. This is a classical mistake made by a bunch of oldies who were caught between a hard rock and a hardplace". A composed Solo commented that, "I'd like to pop Bum good and polka one of his eyes out but this would only test his metal and would represent my swan song".
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