Philip Morris Might Sue Australian Government

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is seriously considering suing the Australian government over its plans to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes. Philip Morris CEO, Nick O. Teen, the hardened executive who recently received a plaque for sticking to his principles, commented that, "I wish that the Australian government would butt out of our business. I will tar and feather any government official who pipes up with this crap and stokes the public's fears. These guys seem to be addicted to controversy but, in the end, their efforts will go to pot." Australian government official, Cecilia Ashe-Trey, sitting on her Chesterfield at home in her town of Newport was looking kind of Kool as she said, "Teen should filter his comments before he lights up with such burning rhetoric. Tobacco industry executives tend to be dirty Player's and cancers on society that get me smoking mad. I was thinking of patching things up with him but, after his comments - close but no cigar. What a drag." Philip Morris is anticipating that there's a Virginia Slims chance that its workers will go on a rotating Lucky Strike at its Kent, Salem and Winston plants,  which could cast a Pall Mall over its situation with the Australian government - causing the company to lose its ad-Vantage.

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Heavy Metals Contaminate Many Cosmetics Products

A Canadian environmental group, Environmental Defence, claims that many toxic heavy metals are in makeup products. When asked why Health Canada doesn't ban these heavy metals from makeup brands, Environmental Defence spokesperson, Seth Fora, angrily claimed that "Health Canada officials have glossed over our research and have only paid lip service to the results. At first blush, we thought that they would take action but they have a toxic culture with cheeky managers who deserve forty lashes each for doing nothing. I don't like the makeup of these managers who don't apply themselves very well and seem to be concealing serious blemishes in the way that they operate." Health Canada spokeswoman, May Bleen, from Baton Rouge, responded, "These Environmental Defence people better brush up on their facts because there's cracks in their foundation. Health Canada managers are well-polished individuals who have made more than cosmetic changes to industry regulations. We give regular Cliniques in how we operate but Environmental Defence employees seem to Revlon in our misery - well, we intend to Estée the course. I wish they would all go take a powder." 

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French Mayor Throws Out Busty Statue

The mayor of the French city Neuville-en-Ferrain, Louis C. Cup, has thrown out a statue of French Revolution icon Marianne because its breasts were too big. Feminist Areola Bone was outraged, saying, "The Mayor has failed to keep abreast of developments in the feminist movement and he clearly wants to have his pound of flesh. What a boob he is - he's trying to revive his sagging fortunes but his latest move will be a big bust. Our city is going tits up and he's trying to milk this statue issue for all he can. Well, I'm not too fondle of Mayor Cup right now and I plan to nip this one in the bud immediately. If he doesn't back down, I hope he understands that all of us will not forget this come election time - we have long mammaries." Mayor Cup responded by saying that, "I refuse to take Bone apart and start a revolution over this matter. While she's beating her breasts over the removal of the statue I've decided to make a clean breast of it and tell the truth. I refuse to go tit for tat with her because the truth is I've had my hands full with this statue's big breasts for a long time." Bone replied, "The Mayor is not my D-Cup of tea."

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Energizer Kicks Off New Marketing Campaign

The Energizer Battery Company has changed its renowned "Keep going" tagline to a more green message "Now that's positiveenergy." The Energizer Bunny will be maintained as a source of positive energy. Energizer Vice-President of R&D, Al Kaline, delivered the news at a press conference. Journalist Constance Coulomb criticized Kaline's presentation, "I came to this press conference feeling really charged but my positive energy turned negative because Kaline's presentation style is re-volting. The whole crowd was Everready for some big news but the positive energy quickly turned negative. There was a current of hope that Kaline would convert the electric atmosphere in the room into an unforgettable evening but his soft-cell approach didn't work. I came into this press conference wired but I have to now leave and re-charge." Kaline, a Copper Top red-head who has recently been accused of assault-and-battery, has a wife Bunny who drives a Volkswagen Rabbit. He responded, "I came within a hare of succeeding and it really Bugs me that Coulomb gave my presentation a D when I thought that it warranted at least a C (if not an AA or AAA)". When asked why she ranked Kaline's presentation so poorly, Coulomb responded, "Because it keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going.........."

Paul McCartney to Marry For the Third Time

Former Beatle Paul McCartney is engaged to New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. McCartney issued this statement: "Since my last marriage, it's been The Long and Winding Road but I felt like a Fool on the Hill until I Saw Her Standing There. Yesterday, I finally awoke from my Golden Slumbers, thought of Nancy and I realized that I wanted to give her All My Loving and that the Two of Us can't wait Another Day and, With a Little Luck, we'll be singing Silly Love Songs to each other Every Night. Last year, Back in the U.S.S.R., we had a fight but I knew We Can Work It Out because She's A Woman And I love Her. That trip was Helter Skelter but I asked her to Hold Me Tight and that I Got to Get You Into My Life. We then took a Jet as we had to Get Back home because I proposed to her and I told her, 'Oh! Darling, Your Mother Should Know'. Maybe I'm Amazed but her father told me to marry her right away and I was inclined to Listen to What the Man Said.  The wedding will be in a church on Penny Lane and the bridesmaids will be Eleanor Rigby, Michelle, Lady Madonna and Mrs. Vanderbilt and my best men will be Uncle Albert and Admiral Halsey. With Wings beneath my sails, I Say Say Say to my dearest Nancy, 'My Love, despite My Lovely Linda, there was nobody Till There was You and I'll Follow the Sun to your doorstep'. McCartney looked a little dis-Shevelled when he announced his engagement but, for now, I'll just Let It Be.

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Why Won't The Montreal Canadiens Get Bigger?

I was at the Darché de l’Ouest on the west Island, eating at a Price-y restaurant where I was dining on fried Cammalleri, baby back Ribeiros and, for some dessert, homemade apple Pyatt. It was raining cats and Dawes and I was Muller-ing over the Canadiens being Shutt out of the playoffs once again with my friend, an auto Plekanec who was Pearn-ing mad about the Habs’ playoff woes. When I was young, the Habs really Groulx on me and I was very Keane on Nos Glorieux. That’s why it Burns me up that the Canadiens have become playoff door Mats – it’s a Travis-ty that makes me Moen in pain. Great Scott, I’m at a Lars for words because it seems so black and White to me that the Canadiens continue to Toe the line and a-Boyd going after guys with Max-imum size. I feel Souray that  management doesn’t get Lapointe that, in order to Gainey Moore points in the regular season, and to make sure they won’t be Lach-ed out of going further in the palyoffs, they have to get off their Duffs , Knuckles down and get bigger! Maybe The Team 990 can answer the Bell and start a Forum to ask Geoff Molson to put on a Jacques-strap and Saku the current management team – it would send one Houle of a message to us rabid Habs fans!

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Will the Pundamaniac Ever Get To Fenway Park in Boston?

The Pundamaniac is desperate to visit Fenway Park in Boston to see the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, I entered a contest with the following:



Why should I win this contest? Let me tell you my story (I hope I won’t Boggs you down in the details). I remember the good old days, when I’d watch the McGuire Sisters on TV, listed to Connie Francis and Tony Bennett records, read plays penned by the famous Bard and travel to exotic places like Okajima, Japan or the Magadan Islands. Recently, however, I developed Cronin’s disease and it seems I Drew the short end of the stick with my luck. To be quite Francona with you, I recently met a woman who’s a real diamond in the rough, but I can’t get to first base with her. She’s quite a Foxx, a Pesky lady who’s on the ball and who lives a short stop away from me. Being a Doerr and a Wheeler-dealer, I decided to roll the Dice-K and pitch her on the idea of dating me. She seemed to have a heart of Clay because she balked at first and said I was too Young. We finally went out for some Lester’s smoked meat, Campbell’s Soup and pasta with Marinaro sauce and saw the movie All That Yaz; but it was clear that she was out to either torment Ortiz me. We talked about environmental issues but she said I was boring and called me a Green Monster. She said I was a son-of-a-Mitch and I bore the Brunt of her jokes the rest of the evening. She called me too Fisky, didn’t like my point of Bews and said that I had a Lackey of confidence. Thus, you see why I need to win this contest – she has Lefty me in the dark and I need my sense of Manny-hood back and I need to exorcise my Damons. Good luck to the Habs in the Yawkey playoffs!


Will the Pundamaniac ever make it to Fenway Park in Boston??????????????????

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