"Boardwalk Empire" Opens to Mixed Reviews

The new HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" has recently received mixed reviews - some cheers and some booze.The show's producer, Mr. Jack Daniels, who came within a whiskey of not making the interview declared, "The cable TV audience was thirsty for a show of this type and most viewers are drinking it all in. This show is just the tonic for those who like a home-brewed, quality TV program that has one helluva bootleg up on competition. "Boardwalk Empire" has fermented our viewers' imaginations and there's a lot more in the hopper." TV critic Carla Moon-Shine responded, "This show's producers would like to be the toast of the town but their early success is only because they blitzed their audience with a heavy marketing campaign. After this, they will get hammered in the ratings, the audience will tank and all this effort will end up wasted." Moon-Shine was blasted for her comments as most believe that the show's liquid assets will pull it through any adversity.
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Pee Power

Scientists at Heriot-Watt University's School of Engineering and Physical Sciences in Edinburgh, Scotland are experimenting at turning human pee into electricity and clean water with a prototype fuel cell system. One critic of the project, Uri Thra, recently discharged from the university, commented, "This project is a waste of time and pisses me off. The project's scientists don't have the balls to admit that this project is a stain on the university's reputation and that it well never produce a steady stream of earnings. After all, we're experiencing a real liquidity crisis." University President P.P. Poo-Poo replied, "I told Thra the other day, 'either urine or you're out'. I don't know why she's turned yellow but the university is flush with cash and so I told her earlier today, 'I don't understand the basis of urinalysis'. I realize that this is a prickly situation but I don't deserve to be treated like a schmuck". Poo-Poo's reputation, at one time down the toilet, has recently grown as he has received a steady golden shower of compliments.
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Sonomax Developing A Bionic Ear

Sonomax Technologies Inc., the Canadian hearing protection company, is investing in the development of a bionic ear but so far the pleas for cash have fallen on deaf ears. Sonomax co-founder Lowden Clear, obviously a little wet behind the ears, sounded off, "We can really make some noise in the marketplace with a bionic ear and any investment would be sound as a dollar. For crying out loud, it's discouraging that investors have turned a deaf ear." Clear, never someone to play it by ear, is trying to stirrup some action within the investment community with a plug for his innovative new product and a positive reaction would be music to his ears. Investor Devon Dum, speaking from his office on Canal Street, responded, "It hertz that Clear thinks that his pitch for this bionic ear has failed but the vibrations coming from me are positive and I'm all ears". Sonomax could face a patent issue with respect to its new technology and is awaiting a hearing.  
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Colgate and Glaxo in Legal Battle

The Colgate Palmolive Co. and GlaxoSmithKline PLC are in a legal battle over the right to use a "nurdle", a wave-shaped toothpaste blob that sits on a toothbrush head, on their toothpaste packages. Colgate spokesperson Oral Cankersore filed this statement: "The Glaxo people need to brush up on the law because their lawsuit against us has no teeth. Frankly, I'm at a floss for words because I feel that they are trying to Fleecy us - I wish they would get a Poli-Grip on themselves and stop mouthing off". Glaxo spokesperson Ginger Vitis, a well-drilled lawyer from Ajax commented, "Colgate has lost Contac with reality. They're far too Sensodyne about the nurdle issue and their lawsuit is gumming up the works. Maybe our original lawsuit hurt their fillings but, as far as I'm concerned, they've bitten off more than they can chew". Colgate President Arthur Dontix has placed a gag order on anyone talking to the media, staing that 'Tum's the word'.
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