Hairy Penises Lost in Evolution

A research study co-led by the Stanford University School of Medicine suggests that, in human males, the hairy penis was lost in the evolutionary process. Prominent critic of the research, the hardened Mr. Beau Jobs, an accomplished organ player, commented, "This research sucks and is a big blow to evolutionary research. I hate to mouth off but these researchers are so cock-sure of themselves that they don't realize that they have hosed us. I absolutely hate when scientists dick around with the facts and give us the shaft. The Stanford researchers had their balls to the wall in this research project and they now have brass balls in trying to sell us findings that should be put in mothballs". Stanford scientist Harry Balles, a former seaman and up-and-comer at the university, reacted by saying, "I stand erect in support of this research, which is the climax of years of hard work. If Jobs feels stiffed then he should withdraw from making any comments." Clearly, the thrust of Jobs' argument has not penetrated Balles' thoughts concerning distinguishing between right and dong.   www.pundamania.com

World-Class Smellers Acquire Sense of Smell

French scientists have discovered that those who have super smelling abilities are not born with a superior sense of smell but acquire it through years of professional sniffing. British scientist Ari O. Ma disputed the claim, stating that, "These French claims stink of French snobbery and I smell a rat. The French perfume industry has paid through the nose for this research and they must face the mucus and admit their obvious biases". French scientist Jean-Claude Odoré responded by saying that, "I don't know why Ma has his nose out of joint but something smells fishy here. Our research results are as clear as the nose on his face and so I wish that he'd keep his nose out of my business. We put our noses to the grindstone, nosed around quite a bit, followed our noses and took a hard-nosed approach to this project. Look, it's no skin off my nose to tell Ma to take a breather and wake up and smell the coffee". American scientist T. Nose Pickens thinks that, in criticizing this research, Ma is cutting off his nose to spite his face.   www.pundamania.com

Time Inc. CEO Forced Out

Speculation is rampant as to the reasons why Time Inc. CEO Joan Mast-Head was forced out of the company. Industry insider Maggie Zeen had this to say: "Joan was a party animal, seeking Entertainment Weekly with People with whom she spent a Fortune. The Essence of her departure was Real Simple - Joan was the Life of the party who spent lots of Money from dawn until Sunset - too much partying and spending lots of money are My Recipes for disaster". The time appears to be ripe for Time Inc. Vice-President Eddie Tor to take on the CEO role as he has time on his hands and he's been marking time for such an opportunity to arise. The fact that the sands of time are slipping away is a story as old as time and so Tor will likely become the new CEO just in the nick of time". Tor, sipping Minute Maid orange juice at a Days Inn Hotel (after having parked his Buick Century) as I interviewed him, feels that he's not in a week position but doesn't have a second to lose because he is in his golden years and is hour choice to become the new CEO. Time will tell.
www.pundamania.com

Is Google Starting to Crack?

Industry insiders are saying that Google is showing cracks in its armour by over-diversifying into areas such as robotic cars, searchable health records and electricity production. Google Vice-President of Business Development, Anne Droid, who is rumored to be searching for a special someone, disagreed, saying, " This is News to me. I'm searching my brain for the right words but Google recognizes that our core is the search business and we're searching for the right person to lead it." But critics are picking up a Buzz in the marketplace that there's a new Wave of competition and so many believe that Google's market leadership isn't so Orkut and dried. Wall Street critic, the Googledy-eyed G-male Chris Chrome, commented, "Google management has to turn the Page, start to Brin with confidence again, re-Groupon and Maps out a new strategy. The Street View is that management is throwing money down the YouTubes and had better start to Facebook reality. The company is no longer the Apple of Wall Street's eyes." I believe that the company's founders, despite facing sales that are Microsoft, are no Yahoos and, in the end, will Bing home the bacon.

Green Mountain Roasters Buys Van Houtte

Fast-growing, Vermont-based Green Mountain Coffee Roasters Inc. has acquired Canadian coffee company Van Houtte. Industry insiders have roasted Green Mountain management over the acquisition. Green Mountain President Yolanda Capp-Pacino, an expert in Java programming and no average Joe, responded, "This idea has been percolating for several years. Some told us that Van Houtte was not worth a hill of beans but we decided to grind it out. The truth is that we really like Van Houtte a latte and there's no point crying over spilt milk." The industry insider who spilled the beans, Max W. House, didn't have an axe to grind - he put his nose to the grindstone over this deal that had been brewing for years. House, limping due to a sprained decaf muscle, said, "This deal isn't quite my cup of tea although Green Mountain will be acquiring an excellent crop of well-grounded managers who don't give a Van Houtte about what others have to say". I give a very big Sanka to House for being able to espresso himself so eloquently   - without filtering his thoughts.
www.pundamania.com

New Breathalyzer Screens For Illness

A team of researchers affiliated with the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) is developing a new breathalyzer that can screen for illness. However, the news was tempered by the announcement that the General Manager of NIST, Barney Blowhard, has been fired. A spokesperson for NIST commented, "Blowhard was let go because he was full of hot air. His employees complained about three aspect's of Blowhard's personality - 1. he couldn't contain his temper as he was always blowing his stack; 2. his ego was too big - he was constantly blowing his own trumpet; and 3. he was inconsistent - he seemed to blow hot and cold." NIST's employees believe that the GM's departure is a big blow to them but they can breathe easier as a replacement has been found. Her name is Wanda Long-Winded. The NIST spokesperson continued, "I know that our employees have been waiting with baited breath for Blowhard's replacement and they'll find Long-Winded to be a breath of fresh air. While Long-Winded doesn't walk on air, she'll never put on airs or vanish into thin air and will never hold grudges as she will always try to clear the air." Long-Winded wasn't available for comment as she was taking a breather before starting her new job.   www.pundamania.com

New Upscale Underwear Line Launched

Dylan Ribkoff, grandson of renowned designer Joseph Ribkoff, has launched an upscale men's underwear line. Retail spokesperson Joy Stick, talking to us over lunch at Long John's, commented, "Personally, I didn't think that Ribkoff had the balls to launch this line of underwear. This is a prickly situation and I'm not sure if this line will fly. Upscale underwear is a stretch and Ribkoff appears to be cock-sure that this new line's life will not be brief. Many retailers think that he is nuts so, in the end, they might end up giving him the shaft". Ribkoff spokesman P.P. Putz, an accomplished boxer who is proud of his manhood, countered, "Joy Stick is being too hard on us and doesn't seem to know the difference between right and thong. We're confident that our package will stick out on retail shelves and will have a big impact. Consumer demand for underwear tends to be elastic and so we will pecker away at our competitors' market shares." Many analysts on Wall Street are optimistic about the new line provided that the company is not jockstrapped for cash.   www.pundamania.com