The new HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" has recently received mixed reviews - some cheers and some booze.The show's producer, Mr. Jack Daniels, who came within a whiskey of not making the interview declared, "The cable TV audience was thirsty for a show of this type and most viewers are drinking it all in. This show is just the tonic for those who like a home-brewed, quality TV program that has one helluva bootleg up on competition. "Boardwalk Empire" has fermented our viewers' imaginations and there's a lot more in the hopper." TV critic Carla Moon-Shine responded, "This show's producers would like to be the toast of the town but their early success is only because they blitzed their audience with a heavy marketing campaign. After this, they will get hammered in the ratings, the audience will tank and all this effort will end up wasted." Moon-Shine was blasted for her comments as most believe that the show's liquid assets will pull it through any adversity.
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Manufacturers of sneakers are claiming that new "toning shoes" are the answer to firmimg up America's butts. Industry critic Ashley "Bum" Rapp stated, "These Skechy people making these claims are a bunch of heels with no soles who are a bunch of goody two-shoes. Converse-ly speaking, they don't know the very Asics of business and they couldn't New Balance their books if their lives depended on it". Many industry insiders, however, feel that Rapp is a pain in the butt who has cracked under pressure. Adidas spokesperson Flip Flopowicz responded, "Rapp is an anal-retentive cheeky asshole with a bad case of assid reflux. He's hit rock bottom - his words smell of desperation. I wish he'd stop making a stink about this matter". Flopowicz feels that many would get a kick out of Rapp getting a kick in his pants for trying to kick up a storm over toning shoes. Sneakers manufacturers will continue to respond to their critics' accusations - no ifs, whats and butts about it.
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Scientists at Heriot-Watt University's School of Engineering and Physical Sciences in Edinburgh, Scotland are experimenting at turning human pee into electricity and clean water with a prototype fuel cell system. One critic of the project, Uri Thra, recently discharged from the university, commented, "This project is a waste of time and pisses me off. The project's scientists don't have the balls to admit that this project is a stain on the university's reputation and that it well never produce a steady stream of earnings. After all, we're experiencing a real liquidity crisis." University President P.P. Poo-Poo replied, "I told Thra the other day, 'either urine or you're out'. I don't know why she's turned yellow but the university is flush with cash and so I told her earlier today, 'I don't understand the basis of urinalysis'. I realize that this is a prickly situation but I don't deserve to be treated like a schmuck". Poo-Poo's reputation, at one time down the toilet, has recently grown as he has received a steady golden shower of compliments.
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Sonomax Technologies Inc., the Canadian hearing protection company, is investing in the development of a bionic ear but so far the pleas for cash have fallen on deaf ears. Sonomax co-founder Lowden Clear, obviously a little wet behind the ears, sounded off, "We can really make some noise in the marketplace with a bionic ear and any investment would be sound as a dollar. For crying out loud, it's discouraging that investors have turned a deaf ear." Clear, never someone to play it by ear, is trying to stirrup some action within the investment community with a plug for his innovative new product and a positive reaction would be music to his ears. Investor Devon Dum, speaking from his office on Canal Street, responded, "It hertz that Clear thinks that his pitch for this bionic ear has failed but the vibrations coming from me are positive and I'm all ears". Sonomax could face a patent issue with respect to its new technology and is awaiting a hearing.
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The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is investigating Gibson Guitars for the use of illegal wood. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service spokesperson Casta Lion, said, "We're not looking to string anyone up at Gibson but we're determined to reel anyone in who is engaged in fishy practices. Holy mackerel, the Gibson folks have to get off their perch, stop floundering and halt their nasty habit of baiting us with lies." Gibson President Melody A. Sharp retorted, "The government has picked on us on a scale that has brought a level of dis-chord that has us tuned out. While we're trying to turn a Page, the bass-tards have us on The Edge and are trying to turn Beck the sands of time and Zappa us out of the picture. I wish they'd let us B.B." Sharp, feasting on a meal of T-Bone steak, cherry Garcia ice cream and a Berry concoction, feels that the government's case has Diddley-squat merit to it. If proven guilty over using illegal wood, Sharp could be up a tree and would likely be axed.
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Trying to interview Leonardo DiCaprio last week was an effort in futility. I was scheduled to interview him on The Beach at his home on Revolutionary Road on Shutter Island but this proved to be a Titanic failure. The Inception of this idea for the interview was to question DiCaprio about a Body Of Lies that has arisen about the Growing Pains he experienced during his childhood years (apparently, DiCaprio didn’t experience the best that Parenthood has to offer). While my interview request was made at The 11th Hour, Dicaprio never showed up. It’s easier to land an interview with The Gangs of New York to discuss their Basketball Diaries than it is to talk with the famous actor. DiCaprio was seen flying off the island. The Aviator seemed to look back at me and say, “Catch Me If You Can”. And so I waved goodbye to The Departed.
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The following letters were recently auctioned off for one million dollars by the combined estates of the Beatles:
Hey Jude,
I know you’re cheating and so you have made my life Helter Skelter. All your affairs with Sexy Sadie, Long Tall Sally, Penny Lane, Lovely Rita, that Dear Prudence, Lady Madonna, Eleanor Rigby and that dreadful
Lucie in the Sky with Diamonds have made me go for Help. I became suicidal, thinking that Happiness is a Warm Gun and I dreamt of drifting into Golden Slumbers. But Do You Want To Know A Secret? I’ve followed the Long and Winding Road and I’m no longer the Fool on the Hill. Here Comes the Sun and I Will Follow the Sun.
Dizzy Miss Lizzy
Oh Darling,
Get Back! I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Please Let It Be and let’s Come Together. I Should Have Known Better and I know that This Boy has to Carry That Weight. You too have had your affairs with that
Mean Mr. Mustard, the Taxman and that Paperback Writer and you surely enjoyed Maxwell’s Silver Hammer in the Norwegian Wood. I have become a Nowhere Man. I am a Loser. I’m Down. I’ve become so delusional that I told my psychologist that I am the Walrus Back in the U.S.S.R. But I know that I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Your Mother Should Know that You Really Got a Hold on Me and that I’m Happy Just to Dance With You. I Should Have Known Better but We Can Work it Out With a Little Help From My Friends. Love Me Do.
From Me to You.
Jude
Hey Jude,
If you agree to Act Naturally Eight Days a Week I’ve Got a Feeling, In Spite All the Danger, that to rehabilitate, All You Need is Love. I’ve Got a Feeling that You’ll Be Mine but You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away. I know that your affairs happened Yesterday and I believe that All Things Must Pass. So buy a Ticket To Ride on the Yellow Submarine and let’s start Something new. Don’t Let Me Down otherwise You’re Going to Lose That Girl.
All My Loving,
Lizzie
The one million dollar sales price will likely start a Revolution.
(More excerpts from famous musicians' diaries and letters - Pundamania style- in The Misfortune 500: Pundamania™. Buy the book. Have a puntastic laugh!)
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