U.S. Postal Service Ends Next-Day Letter Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service (USPS) plans to end next-day delivery of letters, postcards and other First Class mail. Reaction from the public has been immediate and negative. Homeowner Dino Sore said, "This must be a red letter day for Congress who has given this plan its stamp of approval and will try to zip legislation through that reduces the size of the USPS. I'd like to see more female legislators involved because Congress is a mail-dominated body with men who go postal at the first sign of trouble. The average homeowner will take a licking as a result of this plan and I will address this issue immediately." A chronic mistrust of the USPS seems to envelop homeowners who see themselves as First Class citizens who want to make it a Priority to Express themselves over this unfortunate news. Homeowners might take solace in the fact that some of them are fighting back but, in reality, the bill before Congress is signed, sealed and delivered.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Fox Business Channel Attacks the Muppets

The Fox Business Channel has accused the Muppets of brainwashing children after having viewed the new Disney movie "The Muppets" - that apparently "plants the seeds of class warfare among children". Disney spokesperson, the Sweetum Don Pluto, staying at the Waldorf and speaking with a Froggy in his throat, responded by saying that, "Dog gonzo it, I wish Fox would let bygonzos be bygonzos. This is a fozzie situation that Fox is trying to exploit and I smell a Rat. The day that a child is brainwashed by a Muppets movie is the day that Piggys will fly. I think that the Fox person who is voicing this concern is a Grouch and a Monster who's been sniffing some Elmo's glue. This accusation is for the Big Birds and I will not kermit the Fox to guard our henhouse. I am not the media's puppet and I will say what's on my mind - no strings attached." After the interview, Pluto was in a Fraggle state of mind and had to Scooter off to be alone.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Water Becoming a Scarce Commodity

A recent article in Fortune Magazine warns us that the world has "too many people, too little water" and that water could become the "gold of the 21st century". During a recent TV talk show that featured guests Billy Ocean, Joan Rivers and Ricki Lake listening to old Muddy Waters blues songs, critic Chloe Reen, who was fired up, said, "The Fortune writer is trying to pour oil on troubled waters. She's a little wet behind the ears and her writing style is too dry. She should drink in all the publicity because, as soon as people react to her fear-mongering, she'll be all washed up. She's currently riding a wave of popularity but the tide will soon turn."  An obviously irrigated Fortune editor George Sea. Fogg reacted by saying, "An apology from Reen is long over-dew as her head appears to be in the clouds. Every time she pipes up I get all steamed because people shower her with compliments for trying to rain on our parade. She has a lot of resentment on tap that is bottled up inside her, ready to be distilled on an unsuspecting public. Dam her for criticizing an article that refers to an urgent problem and that is the high water mark for the reporter who wrote it."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Milk Filling Station Opens in Germany

A German dairy farmer has opened up a "milk filling station" where consumers can buy milk from a stainless steel vending machine. Dairy farmer Beau Vine, from Lac Tate in Quebec, Canada, is against the idea, feeling that purchasing milk at grocery stores is a sacred cow. Vine said, "I've turned sour on the idea of milk filling stations because they're udder nonsense. If mammary serves me correctly and I've kept abreast of current trends, this was tried and failed miserably in the USA, the land of milk and honey. US farmers tried to butter up the public with stories of fresher milk, but American consumers had a cow when they learned that farmers were trying to skim profits from them. I give these vending machines a 1%, maybe a 2% chance of surviving." US dairy farmer Cal C. Um, nursing a bruised calf, said that, "I wish that Vine would stop milking this dead cow. His story is hard to digest and I want to tell him that it's no use crying over spilled milk". This is a moo-ving story that is dairy, dairy disturbing.

http://www.pundamania.com/

P&G Reports Drop in Net Income

Procter & Gamble Co., the world's largest consumer products company, reported a drop in net income due to higher raw material costs. Company President Dee Press-Marquette, a Charmin  woman from the Ivory Coast, commented that, "There's con-Fusion within our company about these results because we are used to Always experiencing a Gain instead of a decrease. We're used to seeing great news Cascade throughout our organization and so we Rejoice at being Head & Shoulders above our competitors. As the company's President, last year I was at the Crest of my popularity as I led P&G in a mad Dash to turn the Tide during the recessionary environment. It's our Natural Instincts and the Herbal Essences of who we are as a company to do Wella in trying times. Well, things are no longer Nice 'N Easy and we have to show our Braun and let the marketplace know who the Hugo Boss is. Going forward, our strategies will be to learn the new Olay of the land, operate at MACH 3 speed and efficiency and Safeguard our position in the marketplace. This approach will be the Secret to our renewed success."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Researchers Discover Way to Measure Pain

Pain researchers at Stanford University have found a way to objectively measure pain by monitoring brain activity. Many scientists are sceptical, including pain researcher Moe R. Feen, a real drip, who said, "The Stanford researchers are a real pain in the ass and have become the victims of a sting operation. If they don't retract their findings they'll inevitably suffer the agony of defeat. To add insult to injury, the Stanford researchers have stabbed me in the back by excluding me from their findings - an omission that only rubs salt into my wounds". Stanford researcher, heartthrob Henry Hurt, fought back by saying that, "It's true that it's been a long path that led us to our conclusions but - no pain, no gain. Feen is just being a sore loser who will suffer the consequences of his words. He's a tortured soul who has gotten himself in harm's way and is nothing more than a sore loser. We'll grant Feen some time to go off and lick his wounds and suffer in silence." Feen, when hearing Hurt's words, declared, "Now that smarts".

http://www.pundamania.com/

Travolta New Ambassador for Bombardier Jets

Actor and pilot John Travolta has been hired by Bombardier Inc. to be a brand ambassador for its line of jets. According to Hollywood insider Marty Buzzov, this idea will never take off. Buzzov said that, "Either Travolta was able to Grease somebody's palms or he was sleeping with The General's Daughter - but, in either case, it's a Perfect deal for him. Look it, I don't want to Face Off against John because I'd be toeing The Thin Red Line, but these actors' endorsement deals are a Phenomenon that are the key to them financially Staying Alive. I bet that John will Bolt from this contract - resulting in a Civil Action from Bombardier." Travolta responded by saying that, "The Basic facts are that, before signing this deal, I spoke with my agents Carrie and Michael who advised me that these types of deals are a Lucky Numbers game and that Bombardier came through with the green and more green - Primary Colors that we like to see! These people are Two of a Kind who are The Experts who advised me to Be Cool and live Moment by Moment - so I took their advice and vow never to have a Blow Out with the Bombardier folks." Believe it or not, John left the interview with a Saturday Night Fever - after all, truth is stranger than Pulp Fiction.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Poker Website Accused of Running a Ponzi Scheme

U.S. prosecutors have accused the poker website Full Tilt Poker of running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded players of hundreds of millions of dollars. Full Tilt Poker spokesperson Chip Cass-Eno, a low-Excalibur Venetian from Paris who loves to Wynn at all costs, commented that, "Odds are that the four government prosecutors who made these accusations are bluffing. They're attacking us when the chips are down and  giving us a raw deal. These people are four of a kind who will do whatever suits them - one is a tough guy who'd rather use clubs than carrots; one is a tough female who has revenge in spades for us; one is a real stud with a hearts of stone; only one of them is a diamonds-in-the-rough. The truth is we seldom have a full house online nor are with flush with cash. This pending lawsuit will be the flop of the century." Many Las Vegas insiders feel that this lawsuit is the last Harrah's for the four prosecutors and nothing but a Mirage - a Luxor-y that the government can't afford. If this is true, all bets are off.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Fertility Experts Recommend Sperm Limits

Many fertility-treatment experts are calling on authorities to legally restrict the number of children who can be born from a single donor's semen. One critic, Inna Vivo, disagreed pubicly, stating that, "I can't conceive that these so-called experts are making a sperm-of-the-moment demand that tries to egg authorities on to make decisions that will have spermanent repercussions. They are trying to reproduce arguments that will only give birth to laws that are based on no hard evidence. This is fertile ground to have these scientists dismissed." Vivo received a standing ovulation for her speech. Biologist Phil O. Peon, nicknamed the 'Genital Giant' because of his soft-spoken nature when he worked as a seaman, responded, "Scientists must stand erect as they make ultra-sound arguments on this issue that try to penetrate the pubic conscience. I realize that fertility treatment is Vivo's baby and that she will never abort her efforts to criticize us. At first glans, Vivo sounds cock-sure of herself, but the reality is that she is trying to juggle too many balls at once in a field that is only in its embryonic stage." Peon, who once worked as a performer in the Ziegfeld Follicles, speaks with a passion that is a testicle to the man's internal fortitude.

Domtar Acquires Attends Healthcare

Domtar Inc., the paper producer, has announced that it has purchased Attends Healthcare Inc., the maker of incontinence undergarments, for $315 million in cash. Domtar Chief Executive Officer, P.P. Bowles, speaking at the Incontinence Hotel, made this announcement: "We believe that this acquisition will increase our earnings stream and enhance our cash flow. It will help shore up our recent piss-poor stock performance and help restore employee morale, which has been in the dumps of late. We will absorb Attends Healthcare into our company for a brief period of time and their employees will occupy offices that have long been void."
Critic Jimmy Tinkler, a financial whiz kid, commented that, "Bowles had a strong urge to get this deal done quickly, fearing that word would leak out to competition. While Bowles pads the company's revenues with this deal, he leaves his salespeople on guards. He obviously likes the Attends acquisition but, as I told him when I saw him, "That's urinalysis and not mine."  This acquisition is obviously no accident but will it generate long-term profits? All I can say is - It Depends."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Astronomers Discover Planet Made of Diamonds

An international research team published an article in Science journal claiming that they may have discovered a planet made of diamonds in the Milky Way. Ironically, the scientist's name is Pearl Hope-Diamond, a real diamond in the rough who's a cut above her colleagues. Scientist Ruby Topaz, speaking at the Constellation Hotel, had this to say about Hope-Diamond: "She has left no stone unturned in her research and has had an astronomical impact on our profession. She's a real gem who makes her point with lots of clarity and is always radiant and highly engaged in her work. She is a crystal clear communicator who would rather use a carat rather than a stick when dealing with her direct reports. It's true like she likes to drink the occasional De Beers but why shouldn't she? - Hope-Diamond is celebrating her Golden Jubilee anniversary this year." Topaz, eating a Mars bar in her vintage Ford Mercury, continued, "I would give the sun and the moon for Hope-Diamond because she has paved the Milky Way for others to unearth similar astronomic discoveries." Hope-Diamond is happily married to Uri A. Nos, a former pitcher for - you guessed it - the Arizona Diamondbacks.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Ode to the Wagar Class of '71

Dear fellow Wagarites (class of '71),

In honour of our recent reunion!

After our very special 40th reunion, I wanted to follow up with something unique. As some of you were aware, I have written a book called "The Misfortune 500:Pundamania" - a series of 500 vignettes that uses word play and twists on words to create funny stories about business, entertainers, sports, etc. It is in this spirit that I have written a special Wagar Class of '71 ditty. With 400 classmates, it was impossible to include everyone (so please forgive me!) but please enjoy the following:

I'd like to reflect on our old high school days in a very Candib, Frank and Ernest manner. We were all so Young, a little Green with envy, at times Gross and a lot Wilder than we are today.  Many of us took Wagar by Storm - others would Bock at going to school and Long for those years to be over. All we ever wanted was a Modlin of respect - at Minna-mum, a chance to feel Fine about ourselves. Some of us experienced a Frost-y reception that would Zap us of our energy; others were Diamonds in the rough who knew the difference between right and Wong. We wanted to go out into the Werk-place and find jobs as Breuers, Fischer-men (for Karp), Millers, donut Glazers,  Parnasses, Bakers, Goldsmiths or even drive Zanbilowicz machines at the Montreal Forum.

The hormones would rage - a guy would meet a girl, Muller over and then try to Groper - particularly if she had lots of Saks appeal. But the girls would look back at these guys with Blank stares and, thus, the guys' chances of getting lucky were Slimm and Small. Each girl wanted lots of Cuddles and get a guy with a Smiley face who would Tucker in each night, give her a Seal of approval and Sher their feelings. I guess that the guys didn't have any Kalman sense or Perlis of wisdom to know that girls would Kling to dreams involving romantic evenings in Paris or even Israel. So, guys, the girls would de-Klein our advances - feeling Freed from the sexual pressures and dealing us a Fransblow to our egos.  We were forced to Chuck it all, drown our sorrows over a Burger at the Brown Derby and then Dash home and watch James Dean movies such as Nebel Without A Cause.

As for me, I long for even younger days when I would curl up with my two Katz, eat ice cream Cohens and Big Max, read books like Dr. Zeus and Jack In The Bienenstock - without Karen about anything in the world. I guess that I need a new Margolis on life but I will remain put because a rolling stone gathers no Moss. Irgo, in the Puritz sense of the word, I hope that you don't mind that I Baird my soul and gave this my Best shot. May this be a Prelude to better things ahead!

I hope that the above brought some smiles to your faces with the odd laugh or two. You can get more information on the book at www.pundamania.com <http://www.pundamania.com> , where there is also a blog that I write from time to time (forgive my shameless promotion).  For those of you who attended the reunion, thanks for the memories and here's hoping to see everyone at our next celebration.

Warm regards,

Robert Paris  aka Pundamaniac
www.pundamania.com

The Dutch Kill 133 Billion Bugs A Month

A biologist at Wageningen University in Holland estimates Dutch drivers kill approximately 133 billion bugs a month. Dutch drivers are outraged at the implications of this research. Dutch resident Maartje Silver-Fish, an aphid Beetles fan, angrily declared, "These academic cockroaches have created lots of buzz by publishing this research. I'd like to scratch this research from the records and let them start from scratch because I'm afraid that the biologists are only scratching the surface. It really bugs me that these high and mite-y academics would make a last itch effort to create such a controversy." Wageinghen biologist Gnat B. Moth, a WASP and huge Sting fan who recently married a black widow, countered that, "We're no fly-by-night operation. The university is a beehive of activity and our research is the bee's knees. This controversy is a tem-pest in a teapot and it really ticks me off. I wish that Sliver-Fish would flea the country."  It's clear that, as a result of Silver-Fish's outburst, Moth has ants in his pants but he plans to soldier on rather than drive off into the distance. 

Sara Lee And Kraft Foods in Hotdog Dispute

Sara Lee Corp. is suing Kraft Foods Inc. over an alleged misleading advertising campaign for its Oscar Mayer Wieners. Sara Lee contends that Kraft is deceiving customers with the claim that its hotdogs are pure beef and that the company is also lying about taste-test results. Kraft official Lionel Beefeater, a Hebrew National from Israel, commented that, "To be quite frank, the Sara Lee claim simply doesn't cut the mustard. While their lawyers are taking their beef to court, the preliminary reaction from the judges has been very chilli. I'd like to get to the meat of this matter because I relish the opportunity to beat them as they will never ketchup to us in the marketplace." Sara Lee legal representative, Jacqueline Sauer-Kraut, from Michigan, countered, "That little wiener, Lionel Beefeater, is trying to hot dog it for the judges in this case. The fact is that the judges will peel the onion one layer at a time and find that the Kraft case is full of baloney. I'm red hot mad over this lawsuit and all steamed up over these false allegations." Insiders believe that the lawsuit could be worth tens of millions of dollars but many caution this is merely a ballpark estimate.

Pfizer Wins Viagra Lawsuit

Pfizer Inc. won a patent infringement case against Teva Pharmaceutical Industries Ltd., preventing Teva from launching a generic version of Viagra. Pfizer President, the dysfunctional Zeke Hardin-Balle, stated, "We stood erect in our determination to win this case. At first we took a soft stance with respect to Teva, but we hardened our position that spermitted us to win this case. The Teva legal team tried to penetrate our defence arguments with a steady flow of diatribe but, to our lawyers' credit, they resisted because they had balls of steel. Teva's lawyers tended to mouth off frequently and, quite frankly, this strategy really sucked." Teva lawyer, the up-and-coming Stan C. Mann, admitted that "we took quite a licking but I've got to hand it to them, they won." Journalist Pete Cummings believes that Pfizer President Hardin-Balle likes to be on top and totally dominate the competition. Mann disagreed, calling Hardin-Balle "a little squirt". In the end, Pfizer won on the basis of hard evidence and a well-lubricated team of lawyers whose arguments were strokes of genius.

French Actor Accused of Urinating on Plane

French actor Gérard Depardieu has been accused by a fellow passenger of urinating on a Paris-Dublin flight before takeoff. The airline has been identified as Trans-Incontinence Airlines (TIA). TIA spokesperson, Itsa Pisov, a whiz-kid who has risen from the bowels of the organization to her current position, commented that, "This situation has obviously caught us with our pants down. We know that Depardieu was flying to Dublin to visit his long-time friend, American singer Urethra Franklin. He was peed off when the crew asked him to remain seated during takeoff. He refused to sit down and what happened next Depends on who you talk to. TIA Attends-ant Di. A. Rhea told us that she saw Depardieu start to urinate in the aisle and so she issued a standard Code Yellow. However, passenger Pee Wee Long said that, "All Depardieu decided to do was to go with flow."" TIA, suffering from a poor earnings stream of late, believes that Depardieu needs to do some time in the French penile system and lie in judgment of a French prostate. Pisov, climbing the bladder of success at the airline, commented, "On this issue, either urine or you're out. Talking to Depardieu was like pissing into the wind." Many feel that any charges laid against the French actor are likely to be discharged. 

S&P Reacts Poorly To Google's Plan To Buy Motorola

Standard & Poor’s Equity Research analyst Helen Down-Grady is advising investors to sell Google’s stock because its plan to buy Motorola Mobility implies “greater risk to the company and stock". Down-Grady said, "There's a negative Buzz in the financial markets that Google hasn't sufficiently applied rigorous financial Analytics to this deal and thus I feel that investors will iGoogle with lots of skepticism. There's much negative Talk out there that, as Google Maps out its takeover strategy, it better not have its head in the clouds. Google management has woven a tangled web as it tries to search for ways to grow the company - this deal Ads up to a lot of trouble. As a result, I recommend that S&P downgrade Google's credit rating from AAA to Google+". Google spokesperson Anne Droid shot back that, "S&P is feeding the market a download of crap and that they will turn the Page once they see that investors will Brin with confidence. We didn't just Xoom into this deal with Motorola - that's not our modem of working. We will fight S&P with Bluetooth and nail over this - even if we have to use Brute force in doing so. While Down-Grady thinks that this move will Defy logic, she will see that we have plenty of Atrix up our sleeves."

Apple Passes Exxon Mobil as World's Largest Company

Apple Inc.'s stock rose yesterday 6.1%, giving the company a market capitalization of almost $350 billion - and surpassing Exxon Mobil Corp. as the world's largest business by market value. Exxon spokesperson Derrick van Diesel immediately commented, "We believe that Apple is iPadding their numbers - resulting in iPhone-y financial results. Their heads are in the iClouds and we have every reason to believe that they're cooking their MacBooks. Apple is out of iTune with the financial markets although I admit that, when growing our companies, we're two peas in an iPod." Apple Vice-President Freda Apps countered, "Van Diesel must have been passing gas when he made his last-gas effort to discredit us. He's only pouring oil on troubled waters by making such fuel-ish comments. I don't have the energy to deal with all of this - Exxon managers need to get the lead out of their feet." Exxon could regain their #1 position in a nano-second if the Board agrees to a management shuffle and hires Fil R. Upp as the new CEO - a woman with a classic Midas touch.

Advanced Prosthetics Work Like They're Real

The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is funding a research project by Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas to create bionic arms and legs that would receive signals from the users' minds. DARPA spokesperson Shaka Legg commented, "We're going out on a limb with this research grant because many within the scientific community are up in arms about what we're trying to accomplish. These scientists don't have a leg to stand on because we're providing a shot in the arm to SMU, whose researchers want to have a leg up on competition. Their research program was on its last legs so our funding has been welcome with open arms. We want to develop a closer relationship with SMU but university officials are keeping us at arm's length for now." A dean at another university, Harry Armbrewster, said, "I'd give my right arm and risk life and limb to secure DARPA's funding. But we'll be patient - after all, I can only put my pants on one leg at a time. In the meantime I hope that DARPA breaks a leg with this research."  Despite looking like he had his tail between his legs, Dean Armbrewster warned that, "We'll be after SMU's funding - forewarned is forearmed."

Lady Gaga Nominated for Five Emmy Awards

Lady Gaga's HBO concert event, “Lady Gaga Presents the Monster Ball Tour: at Madison Square Garden,” has received 5 Emmy Award nominations. When asked to comment, Lady Gaga, suffering from a high Fever, said, "Hello Hello. I'm So Happy I Could Die! It was Unfathomable to me that I received the nomination but I was Ready for this and there’s No Way that Words can express how Wonderful I feel. An Earthquake won’t keep me away from the Emmy Awards show because I’m One singer, albeit a Super Star and a Beautiful, Dirty, Rich one, who’s an Optimist who feels like I’m Ready to win.” At first, Lady Gaga admitted that she was Speechless when she heard the news but she was soon able to Scream Aloud when she received the Wonderful Telephone call. An Emmy win could mean a lot of Money Honey for the Glamour Zombie and party Animal. After the show, the Perfect Lady Gaga might have to Runaway from the Paparazzi who will be Out of Control in a publicity feeding frenzy. Lady Gaga finished by saying, “Oh Well, there’s Nothing Else I Can Say. I’m used to Living On The Radio but now I’ll be on TV where I will get some Justice for being the Greatest performer ever. If they Don’t Call My Name I’ll need Someone To Save Me as my Vanity will go Kaboom from all the bad Ink that those Monster critics will waste on me. I’ll need to be Sedated until I Hear Them no longer otherwise I’m likely to Blackout.” There’s No Way that the Pundamaniac can Imagine that Lady Gaga could lose – it would leave this Silly Boy a Chillin’ feeling - Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say).