U.S. Postal Service Ends Next-Day Letter Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service (USPS) plans to end next-day delivery of letters, postcards and other First Class mail. Reaction from the public has been immediate and negative. Homeowner Dino Sore said, "This must be a red letter day for Congress who has given this plan its stamp of approval and will try to zip legislation through that reduces the size of the USPS. I'd like to see more female legislators involved because Congress is a mail-dominated body with men who go postal at the first sign of trouble. The average homeowner will take a licking as a result of this plan and I will address this issue immediately." A chronic mistrust of the USPS seems to envelop homeowners who see themselves as First Class citizens who want to make it a Priority to Express themselves over this unfortunate news. Homeowners might take solace in the fact that some of them are fighting back but, in reality, the bill before Congress is signed, sealed and delivered.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Fox Business Channel Attacks the Muppets

The Fox Business Channel has accused the Muppets of brainwashing children after having viewed the new Disney movie "The Muppets" - that apparently "plants the seeds of class warfare among children". Disney spokesperson, the Sweetum Don Pluto, staying at the Waldorf and speaking with a Froggy in his throat, responded by saying that, "Dog gonzo it, I wish Fox would let bygonzos be bygonzos. This is a fozzie situation that Fox is trying to exploit and I smell a Rat. The day that a child is brainwashed by a Muppets movie is the day that Piggys will fly. I think that the Fox person who is voicing this concern is a Grouch and a Monster who's been sniffing some Elmo's glue. This accusation is for the Big Birds and I will not kermit the Fox to guard our henhouse. I am not the media's puppet and I will say what's on my mind - no strings attached." After the interview, Pluto was in a Fraggle state of mind and had to Scooter off to be alone.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Water Becoming a Scarce Commodity

A recent article in Fortune Magazine warns us that the world has "too many people, too little water" and that water could become the "gold of the 21st century". During a recent TV talk show that featured guests Billy Ocean, Joan Rivers and Ricki Lake listening to old Muddy Waters blues songs, critic Chloe Reen, who was fired up, said, "The Fortune writer is trying to pour oil on troubled waters. She's a little wet behind the ears and her writing style is too dry. She should drink in all the publicity because, as soon as people react to her fear-mongering, she'll be all washed up. She's currently riding a wave of popularity but the tide will soon turn."  An obviously irrigated Fortune editor George Sea. Fogg reacted by saying, "An apology from Reen is long over-dew as her head appears to be in the clouds. Every time she pipes up I get all steamed because people shower her with compliments for trying to rain on our parade. She has a lot of resentment on tap that is bottled up inside her, ready to be distilled on an unsuspecting public. Dam her for criticizing an article that refers to an urgent problem and that is the high water mark for the reporter who wrote it."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Milk Filling Station Opens in Germany

A German dairy farmer has opened up a "milk filling station" where consumers can buy milk from a stainless steel vending machine. Dairy farmer Beau Vine, from Lac Tate in Quebec, Canada, is against the idea, feeling that purchasing milk at grocery stores is a sacred cow. Vine said, "I've turned sour on the idea of milk filling stations because they're udder nonsense. If mammary serves me correctly and I've kept abreast of current trends, this was tried and failed miserably in the USA, the land of milk and honey. US farmers tried to butter up the public with stories of fresher milk, but American consumers had a cow when they learned that farmers were trying to skim profits from them. I give these vending machines a 1%, maybe a 2% chance of surviving." US dairy farmer Cal C. Um, nursing a bruised calf, said that, "I wish that Vine would stop milking this dead cow. His story is hard to digest and I want to tell him that it's no use crying over spilled milk". This is a moo-ving story that is dairy, dairy disturbing.

http://www.pundamania.com/

P&G Reports Drop in Net Income

Procter & Gamble Co., the world's largest consumer products company, reported a drop in net income due to higher raw material costs. Company President Dee Press-Marquette, a Charmin  woman from the Ivory Coast, commented that, "There's con-Fusion within our company about these results because we are used to Always experiencing a Gain instead of a decrease. We're used to seeing great news Cascade throughout our organization and so we Rejoice at being Head & Shoulders above our competitors. As the company's President, last year I was at the Crest of my popularity as I led P&G in a mad Dash to turn the Tide during the recessionary environment. It's our Natural Instincts and the Herbal Essences of who we are as a company to do Wella in trying times. Well, things are no longer Nice 'N Easy and we have to show our Braun and let the marketplace know who the Hugo Boss is. Going forward, our strategies will be to learn the new Olay of the land, operate at MACH 3 speed and efficiency and Safeguard our position in the marketplace. This approach will be the Secret to our renewed success."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Researchers Discover Way to Measure Pain

Pain researchers at Stanford University have found a way to objectively measure pain by monitoring brain activity. Many scientists are sceptical, including pain researcher Moe R. Feen, a real drip, who said, "The Stanford researchers are a real pain in the ass and have become the victims of a sting operation. If they don't retract their findings they'll inevitably suffer the agony of defeat. To add insult to injury, the Stanford researchers have stabbed me in the back by excluding me from their findings - an omission that only rubs salt into my wounds". Stanford researcher, heartthrob Henry Hurt, fought back by saying that, "It's true that it's been a long path that led us to our conclusions but - no pain, no gain. Feen is just being a sore loser who will suffer the consequences of his words. He's a tortured soul who has gotten himself in harm's way and is nothing more than a sore loser. We'll grant Feen some time to go off and lick his wounds and suffer in silence." Feen, when hearing Hurt's words, declared, "Now that smarts".

http://www.pundamania.com/

Travolta New Ambassador for Bombardier Jets

Actor and pilot John Travolta has been hired by Bombardier Inc. to be a brand ambassador for its line of jets. According to Hollywood insider Marty Buzzov, this idea will never take off. Buzzov said that, "Either Travolta was able to Grease somebody's palms or he was sleeping with The General's Daughter - but, in either case, it's a Perfect deal for him. Look it, I don't want to Face Off against John because I'd be toeing The Thin Red Line, but these actors' endorsement deals are a Phenomenon that are the key to them financially Staying Alive. I bet that John will Bolt from this contract - resulting in a Civil Action from Bombardier." Travolta responded by saying that, "The Basic facts are that, before signing this deal, I spoke with my agents Carrie and Michael who advised me that these types of deals are a Lucky Numbers game and that Bombardier came through with the green and more green - Primary Colors that we like to see! These people are Two of a Kind who are The Experts who advised me to Be Cool and live Moment by Moment - so I took their advice and vow never to have a Blow Out with the Bombardier folks." Believe it or not, John left the interview with a Saturday Night Fever - after all, truth is stranger than Pulp Fiction.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Poker Website Accused of Running a Ponzi Scheme

U.S. prosecutors have accused the poker website Full Tilt Poker of running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded players of hundreds of millions of dollars. Full Tilt Poker spokesperson Chip Cass-Eno, a low-Excalibur Venetian from Paris who loves to Wynn at all costs, commented that, "Odds are that the four government prosecutors who made these accusations are bluffing. They're attacking us when the chips are down and  giving us a raw deal. These people are four of a kind who will do whatever suits them - one is a tough guy who'd rather use clubs than carrots; one is a tough female who has revenge in spades for us; one is a real stud with a hearts of stone; only one of them is a diamonds-in-the-rough. The truth is we seldom have a full house online nor are with flush with cash. This pending lawsuit will be the flop of the century." Many Las Vegas insiders feel that this lawsuit is the last Harrah's for the four prosecutors and nothing but a Mirage - a Luxor-y that the government can't afford. If this is true, all bets are off.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Fertility Experts Recommend Sperm Limits

Many fertility-treatment experts are calling on authorities to legally restrict the number of children who can be born from a single donor's semen. One critic, Inna Vivo, disagreed pubicly, stating that, "I can't conceive that these so-called experts are making a sperm-of-the-moment demand that tries to egg authorities on to make decisions that will have spermanent repercussions. They are trying to reproduce arguments that will only give birth to laws that are based on no hard evidence. This is fertile ground to have these scientists dismissed." Vivo received a standing ovulation for her speech. Biologist Phil O. Peon, nicknamed the 'Genital Giant' because of his soft-spoken nature when he worked as a seaman, responded, "Scientists must stand erect as they make ultra-sound arguments on this issue that try to penetrate the pubic conscience. I realize that fertility treatment is Vivo's baby and that she will never abort her efforts to criticize us. At first glans, Vivo sounds cock-sure of herself, but the reality is that she is trying to juggle too many balls at once in a field that is only in its embryonic stage." Peon, who once worked as a performer in the Ziegfeld Follicles, speaks with a passion that is a testicle to the man's internal fortitude.

Domtar Acquires Attends Healthcare

Domtar Inc., the paper producer, has announced that it has purchased Attends Healthcare Inc., the maker of incontinence undergarments, for $315 million in cash. Domtar Chief Executive Officer, P.P. Bowles, speaking at the Incontinence Hotel, made this announcement: "We believe that this acquisition will increase our earnings stream and enhance our cash flow. It will help shore up our recent piss-poor stock performance and help restore employee morale, which has been in the dumps of late. We will absorb Attends Healthcare into our company for a brief period of time and their employees will occupy offices that have long been void."
Critic Jimmy Tinkler, a financial whiz kid, commented that, "Bowles had a strong urge to get this deal done quickly, fearing that word would leak out to competition. While Bowles pads the company's revenues with this deal, he leaves his salespeople on guards. He obviously likes the Attends acquisition but, as I told him when I saw him, "That's urinalysis and not mine."  This acquisition is obviously no accident but will it generate long-term profits? All I can say is - It Depends."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Astronomers Discover Planet Made of Diamonds

An international research team published an article in Science journal claiming that they may have discovered a planet made of diamonds in the Milky Way. Ironically, the scientist's name is Pearl Hope-Diamond, a real diamond in the rough who's a cut above her colleagues. Scientist Ruby Topaz, speaking at the Constellation Hotel, had this to say about Hope-Diamond: "She has left no stone unturned in her research and has had an astronomical impact on our profession. She's a real gem who makes her point with lots of clarity and is always radiant and highly engaged in her work. She is a crystal clear communicator who would rather use a carat rather than a stick when dealing with her direct reports. It's true like she likes to drink the occasional De Beers but why shouldn't she? - Hope-Diamond is celebrating her Golden Jubilee anniversary this year." Topaz, eating a Mars bar in her vintage Ford Mercury, continued, "I would give the sun and the moon for Hope-Diamond because she has paved the Milky Way for others to unearth similar astronomic discoveries." Hope-Diamond is happily married to Uri A. Nos, a former pitcher for - you guessed it - the Arizona Diamondbacks.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Ode to the Wagar Class of '71

Dear fellow Wagarites (class of '71),

In honour of our recent reunion!

After our very special 40th reunion, I wanted to follow up with something unique. As some of you were aware, I have written a book called "The Misfortune 500:Pundamania" - a series of 500 vignettes that uses word play and twists on words to create funny stories about business, entertainers, sports, etc. It is in this spirit that I have written a special Wagar Class of '71 ditty. With 400 classmates, it was impossible to include everyone (so please forgive me!) but please enjoy the following:

I'd like to reflect on our old high school days in a very Candib, Frank and Ernest manner. We were all so Young, a little Green with envy, at times Gross and a lot Wilder than we are today.  Many of us took Wagar by Storm - others would Bock at going to school and Long for those years to be over. All we ever wanted was a Modlin of respect - at Minna-mum, a chance to feel Fine about ourselves. Some of us experienced a Frost-y reception that would Zap us of our energy; others were Diamonds in the rough who knew the difference between right and Wong. We wanted to go out into the Werk-place and find jobs as Breuers, Fischer-men (for Karp), Millers, donut Glazers,  Parnasses, Bakers, Goldsmiths or even drive Zanbilowicz machines at the Montreal Forum.

The hormones would rage - a guy would meet a girl, Muller over and then try to Groper - particularly if she had lots of Saks appeal. But the girls would look back at these guys with Blank stares and, thus, the guys' chances of getting lucky were Slimm and Small. Each girl wanted lots of Cuddles and get a guy with a Smiley face who would Tucker in each night, give her a Seal of approval and Sher their feelings. I guess that the guys didn't have any Kalman sense or Perlis of wisdom to know that girls would Kling to dreams involving romantic evenings in Paris or even Israel. So, guys, the girls would de-Klein our advances - feeling Freed from the sexual pressures and dealing us a Fransblow to our egos.  We were forced to Chuck it all, drown our sorrows over a Burger at the Brown Derby and then Dash home and watch James Dean movies such as Nebel Without A Cause.

As for me, I long for even younger days when I would curl up with my two Katz, eat ice cream Cohens and Big Max, read books like Dr. Zeus and Jack In The Bienenstock - without Karen about anything in the world. I guess that I need a new Margolis on life but I will remain put because a rolling stone gathers no Moss. Irgo, in the Puritz sense of the word, I hope that you don't mind that I Baird my soul and gave this my Best shot. May this be a Prelude to better things ahead!

I hope that the above brought some smiles to your faces with the odd laugh or two. You can get more information on the book at www.pundamania.com <http://www.pundamania.com> , where there is also a blog that I write from time to time (forgive my shameless promotion).  For those of you who attended the reunion, thanks for the memories and here's hoping to see everyone at our next celebration.

Warm regards,

Robert Paris  aka Pundamaniac
www.pundamania.com

The Dutch Kill 133 Billion Bugs A Month

A biologist at Wageningen University in Holland estimates Dutch drivers kill approximately 133 billion bugs a month. Dutch drivers are outraged at the implications of this research. Dutch resident Maartje Silver-Fish, an aphid Beetles fan, angrily declared, "These academic cockroaches have created lots of buzz by publishing this research. I'd like to scratch this research from the records and let them start from scratch because I'm afraid that the biologists are only scratching the surface. It really bugs me that these high and mite-y academics would make a last itch effort to create such a controversy." Wageinghen biologist Gnat B. Moth, a WASP and huge Sting fan who recently married a black widow, countered that, "We're no fly-by-night operation. The university is a beehive of activity and our research is the bee's knees. This controversy is a tem-pest in a teapot and it really ticks me off. I wish that Sliver-Fish would flea the country."  It's clear that, as a result of Silver-Fish's outburst, Moth has ants in his pants but he plans to soldier on rather than drive off into the distance. 

Sara Lee And Kraft Foods in Hotdog Dispute

Sara Lee Corp. is suing Kraft Foods Inc. over an alleged misleading advertising campaign for its Oscar Mayer Wieners. Sara Lee contends that Kraft is deceiving customers with the claim that its hotdogs are pure beef and that the company is also lying about taste-test results. Kraft official Lionel Beefeater, a Hebrew National from Israel, commented that, "To be quite frank, the Sara Lee claim simply doesn't cut the mustard. While their lawyers are taking their beef to court, the preliminary reaction from the judges has been very chilli. I'd like to get to the meat of this matter because I relish the opportunity to beat them as they will never ketchup to us in the marketplace." Sara Lee legal representative, Jacqueline Sauer-Kraut, from Michigan, countered, "That little wiener, Lionel Beefeater, is trying to hot dog it for the judges in this case. The fact is that the judges will peel the onion one layer at a time and find that the Kraft case is full of baloney. I'm red hot mad over this lawsuit and all steamed up over these false allegations." Insiders believe that the lawsuit could be worth tens of millions of dollars but many caution this is merely a ballpark estimate.

Pfizer Wins Viagra Lawsuit

Pfizer Inc. won a patent infringement case against Teva Pharmaceutical Industries Ltd., preventing Teva from launching a generic version of Viagra. Pfizer President, the dysfunctional Zeke Hardin-Balle, stated, "We stood erect in our determination to win this case. At first we took a soft stance with respect to Teva, but we hardened our position that spermitted us to win this case. The Teva legal team tried to penetrate our defence arguments with a steady flow of diatribe but, to our lawyers' credit, they resisted because they had balls of steel. Teva's lawyers tended to mouth off frequently and, quite frankly, this strategy really sucked." Teva lawyer, the up-and-coming Stan C. Mann, admitted that "we took quite a licking but I've got to hand it to them, they won." Journalist Pete Cummings believes that Pfizer President Hardin-Balle likes to be on top and totally dominate the competition. Mann disagreed, calling Hardin-Balle "a little squirt". In the end, Pfizer won on the basis of hard evidence and a well-lubricated team of lawyers whose arguments were strokes of genius.

French Actor Accused of Urinating on Plane

French actor Gérard Depardieu has been accused by a fellow passenger of urinating on a Paris-Dublin flight before takeoff. The airline has been identified as Trans-Incontinence Airlines (TIA). TIA spokesperson, Itsa Pisov, a whiz-kid who has risen from the bowels of the organization to her current position, commented that, "This situation has obviously caught us with our pants down. We know that Depardieu was flying to Dublin to visit his long-time friend, American singer Urethra Franklin. He was peed off when the crew asked him to remain seated during takeoff. He refused to sit down and what happened next Depends on who you talk to. TIA Attends-ant Di. A. Rhea told us that she saw Depardieu start to urinate in the aisle and so she issued a standard Code Yellow. However, passenger Pee Wee Long said that, "All Depardieu decided to do was to go with flow."" TIA, suffering from a poor earnings stream of late, believes that Depardieu needs to do some time in the French penile system and lie in judgment of a French prostate. Pisov, climbing the bladder of success at the airline, commented, "On this issue, either urine or you're out. Talking to Depardieu was like pissing into the wind." Many feel that any charges laid against the French actor are likely to be discharged. 

S&P Reacts Poorly To Google's Plan To Buy Motorola

Standard & Poor’s Equity Research analyst Helen Down-Grady is advising investors to sell Google’s stock because its plan to buy Motorola Mobility implies “greater risk to the company and stock". Down-Grady said, "There's a negative Buzz in the financial markets that Google hasn't sufficiently applied rigorous financial Analytics to this deal and thus I feel that investors will iGoogle with lots of skepticism. There's much negative Talk out there that, as Google Maps out its takeover strategy, it better not have its head in the clouds. Google management has woven a tangled web as it tries to search for ways to grow the company - this deal Ads up to a lot of trouble. As a result, I recommend that S&P downgrade Google's credit rating from AAA to Google+". Google spokesperson Anne Droid shot back that, "S&P is feeding the market a download of crap and that they will turn the Page once they see that investors will Brin with confidence. We didn't just Xoom into this deal with Motorola - that's not our modem of working. We will fight S&P with Bluetooth and nail over this - even if we have to use Brute force in doing so. While Down-Grady thinks that this move will Defy logic, she will see that we have plenty of Atrix up our sleeves."

Apple Passes Exxon Mobil as World's Largest Company

Apple Inc.'s stock rose yesterday 6.1%, giving the company a market capitalization of almost $350 billion - and surpassing Exxon Mobil Corp. as the world's largest business by market value. Exxon spokesperson Derrick van Diesel immediately commented, "We believe that Apple is iPadding their numbers - resulting in iPhone-y financial results. Their heads are in the iClouds and we have every reason to believe that they're cooking their MacBooks. Apple is out of iTune with the financial markets although I admit that, when growing our companies, we're two peas in an iPod." Apple Vice-President Freda Apps countered, "Van Diesel must have been passing gas when he made his last-gas effort to discredit us. He's only pouring oil on troubled waters by making such fuel-ish comments. I don't have the energy to deal with all of this - Exxon managers need to get the lead out of their feet." Exxon could regain their #1 position in a nano-second if the Board agrees to a management shuffle and hires Fil R. Upp as the new CEO - a woman with a classic Midas touch.

Advanced Prosthetics Work Like They're Real

The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is funding a research project by Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas to create bionic arms and legs that would receive signals from the users' minds. DARPA spokesperson Shaka Legg commented, "We're going out on a limb with this research grant because many within the scientific community are up in arms about what we're trying to accomplish. These scientists don't have a leg to stand on because we're providing a shot in the arm to SMU, whose researchers want to have a leg up on competition. Their research program was on its last legs so our funding has been welcome with open arms. We want to develop a closer relationship with SMU but university officials are keeping us at arm's length for now." A dean at another university, Harry Armbrewster, said, "I'd give my right arm and risk life and limb to secure DARPA's funding. But we'll be patient - after all, I can only put my pants on one leg at a time. In the meantime I hope that DARPA breaks a leg with this research."  Despite looking like he had his tail between his legs, Dean Armbrewster warned that, "We'll be after SMU's funding - forewarned is forearmed."

Lady Gaga Nominated for Five Emmy Awards

Lady Gaga's HBO concert event, “Lady Gaga Presents the Monster Ball Tour: at Madison Square Garden,” has received 5 Emmy Award nominations. When asked to comment, Lady Gaga, suffering from a high Fever, said, "Hello Hello. I'm So Happy I Could Die! It was Unfathomable to me that I received the nomination but I was Ready for this and there’s No Way that Words can express how Wonderful I feel. An Earthquake won’t keep me away from the Emmy Awards show because I’m One singer, albeit a Super Star and a Beautiful, Dirty, Rich one, who’s an Optimist who feels like I’m Ready to win.” At first, Lady Gaga admitted that she was Speechless when she heard the news but she was soon able to Scream Aloud when she received the Wonderful Telephone call. An Emmy win could mean a lot of Money Honey for the Glamour Zombie and party Animal. After the show, the Perfect Lady Gaga might have to Runaway from the Paparazzi who will be Out of Control in a publicity feeding frenzy. Lady Gaga finished by saying, “Oh Well, there’s Nothing Else I Can Say. I’m used to Living On The Radio but now I’ll be on TV where I will get some Justice for being the Greatest performer ever. If they Don’t Call My Name I’ll need Someone To Save Me as my Vanity will go Kaboom from all the bad Ink that those Monster critics will waste on me. I’ll need to be Sedated until I Hear Them no longer otherwise I’m likely to Blackout.” There’s No Way that the Pundamaniac can Imagine that Lady Gaga could lose – it would leave this Silly Boy a Chillin’ feeling - Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say).

Philip Morris Might Sue Australian Government

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is seriously considering suing the Australian government over its plans to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes. Philip Morris CEO, Nick O. Teen, the hardened executive who recently received a plaque for sticking to his principles, commented that, "I wish that the Australian government would butt out of our business. I will tar and feather any government official who pipes up with this crap and stokes the public's fears. These guys seem to be addicted to controversy but, in the end, their efforts will go to pot." Australian government official, Cecilia Ashe-Trey, sitting on her Chesterfield at home in her town of Newport was looking kind of Kool as she said, "Teen should filter his comments before he lights up with such burning rhetoric. Tobacco industry executives tend to be dirty Player's and cancers on society that get me smoking mad. I was thinking of patching things up with him but, after his comments - close but no cigar. What a drag." Philip Morris is anticipating that there's a Virginia Slims chance that its workers will go on a rotating Lucky Strike at its Kent, Salem and Winston plants,  which could cast a Pall Mall over its situation with the Australian government - causing the company to lose its ad-Vantage.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Heavy Metals Contaminate Many Cosmetics Products

A Canadian environmental group, Environmental Defence, claims that many toxic heavy metals are in makeup products. When asked why Health Canada doesn't ban these heavy metals from makeup brands, Environmental Defence spokesperson, Seth Fora, angrily claimed that "Health Canada officials have glossed over our research and have only paid lip service to the results. At first blush, we thought that they would take action but they have a toxic culture with cheeky managers who deserve forty lashes each for doing nothing. I don't like the makeup of these managers who don't apply themselves very well and seem to be concealing serious blemishes in the way that they operate." Health Canada spokeswoman, May Bleen, from Baton Rouge, responded, "These Environmental Defence people better brush up on their facts because there's cracks in their foundation. Health Canada managers are well-polished individuals who have made more than cosmetic changes to industry regulations. We give regular Cliniques in how we operate but Environmental Defence employees seem to Revlon in our misery - well, we intend to Estée the course. I wish they would all go take a powder." 

http://www.pundamania.com/

French Mayor Throws Out Busty Statue

The mayor of the French city Neuville-en-Ferrain, Louis C. Cup, has thrown out a statue of French Revolution icon Marianne because its breasts were too big. Feminist Areola Bone was outraged, saying, "The Mayor has failed to keep abreast of developments in the feminist movement and he clearly wants to have his pound of flesh. What a boob he is - he's trying to revive his sagging fortunes but his latest move will be a big bust. Our city is going tits up and he's trying to milk this statue issue for all he can. Well, I'm not too fondle of Mayor Cup right now and I plan to nip this one in the bud immediately. If he doesn't back down, I hope he understands that all of us will not forget this come election time - we have long mammaries." Mayor Cup responded by saying that, "I refuse to take Bone apart and start a revolution over this matter. While she's beating her breasts over the removal of the statue I've decided to make a clean breast of it and tell the truth. I refuse to go tit for tat with her because the truth is I've had my hands full with this statue's big breasts for a long time." Bone replied, "The Mayor is not my D-Cup of tea."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Energizer Kicks Off New Marketing Campaign

The Energizer Battery Company has changed its renowned "Keep going" tagline to a more green message "Now that's positiveenergy." The Energizer Bunny will be maintained as a source of positive energy. Energizer Vice-President of R&D, Al Kaline, delivered the news at a press conference. Journalist Constance Coulomb criticized Kaline's presentation, "I came to this press conference feeling really charged but my positive energy turned negative because Kaline's presentation style is re-volting. The whole crowd was Everready for some big news but the positive energy quickly turned negative. There was a current of hope that Kaline would convert the electric atmosphere in the room into an unforgettable evening but his soft-cell approach didn't work. I came into this press conference wired but I have to now leave and re-charge." Kaline, a Copper Top red-head who has recently been accused of assault-and-battery, has a wife Bunny who drives a Volkswagen Rabbit. He responded, "I came within a hare of succeeding and it really Bugs me that Coulomb gave my presentation a D when I thought that it warranted at least a C (if not an AA or AAA)". When asked why she ranked Kaline's presentation so poorly, Coulomb responded, "Because it keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going.........."

Paul McCartney to Marry For the Third Time

Former Beatle Paul McCartney is engaged to New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. McCartney issued this statement: "Since my last marriage, it's been The Long and Winding Road but I felt like a Fool on the Hill until I Saw Her Standing There. Yesterday, I finally awoke from my Golden Slumbers, thought of Nancy and I realized that I wanted to give her All My Loving and that the Two of Us can't wait Another Day and, With a Little Luck, we'll be singing Silly Love Songs to each other Every Night. Last year, Back in the U.S.S.R., we had a fight but I knew We Can Work It Out because She's A Woman And I love Her. That trip was Helter Skelter but I asked her to Hold Me Tight and that I Got to Get You Into My Life. We then took a Jet as we had to Get Back home because I proposed to her and I told her, 'Oh! Darling, Your Mother Should Know'. Maybe I'm Amazed but her father told me to marry her right away and I was inclined to Listen to What the Man Said.  The wedding will be in a church on Penny Lane and the bridesmaids will be Eleanor Rigby, Michelle, Lady Madonna and Mrs. Vanderbilt and my best men will be Uncle Albert and Admiral Halsey. With Wings beneath my sails, I Say Say Say to my dearest Nancy, 'My Love, despite My Lovely Linda, there was nobody Till There was You and I'll Follow the Sun to your doorstep'. McCartney looked a little dis-Shevelled when he announced his engagement but, for now, I'll just Let It Be.

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Why Won't The Montreal Canadiens Get Bigger?

I was at the Darché de l’Ouest on the west Island, eating at a Price-y restaurant where I was dining on fried Cammalleri, baby back Ribeiros and, for some dessert, homemade apple Pyatt. It was raining cats and Dawes and I was Muller-ing over the Canadiens being Shutt out of the playoffs once again with my friend, an auto Plekanec who was Pearn-ing mad about the Habs’ playoff woes. When I was young, the Habs really Groulx on me and I was very Keane on Nos Glorieux. That’s why it Burns me up that the Canadiens have become playoff door Mats – it’s a Travis-ty that makes me Moen in pain. Great Scott, I’m at a Lars for words because it seems so black and White to me that the Canadiens continue to Toe the line and a-Boyd going after guys with Max-imum size. I feel Souray that  management doesn’t get Lapointe that, in order to Gainey Moore points in the regular season, and to make sure they won’t be Lach-ed out of going further in the palyoffs, they have to get off their Duffs , Knuckles down and get bigger! Maybe The Team 990 can answer the Bell and start a Forum to ask Geoff Molson to put on a Jacques-strap and Saku the current management team – it would send one Houle of a message to us rabid Habs fans!

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Will the Pundamaniac Ever Get To Fenway Park in Boston?

The Pundamaniac is desperate to visit Fenway Park in Boston to see the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, I entered a contest with the following:



Why should I win this contest? Let me tell you my story (I hope I won’t Boggs you down in the details). I remember the good old days, when I’d watch the McGuire Sisters on TV, listed to Connie Francis and Tony Bennett records, read plays penned by the famous Bard and travel to exotic places like Okajima, Japan or the Magadan Islands. Recently, however, I developed Cronin’s disease and it seems I Drew the short end of the stick with my luck. To be quite Francona with you, I recently met a woman who’s a real diamond in the rough, but I can’t get to first base with her. She’s quite a Foxx, a Pesky lady who’s on the ball and who lives a short stop away from me. Being a Doerr and a Wheeler-dealer, I decided to roll the Dice-K and pitch her on the idea of dating me. She seemed to have a heart of Clay because she balked at first and said I was too Young. We finally went out for some Lester’s smoked meat, Campbell’s Soup and pasta with Marinaro sauce and saw the movie All That Yaz; but it was clear that she was out to either torment Ortiz me. We talked about environmental issues but she said I was boring and called me a Green Monster. She said I was a son-of-a-Mitch and I bore the Brunt of her jokes the rest of the evening. She called me too Fisky, didn’t like my point of Bews and said that I had a Lackey of confidence. Thus, you see why I need to win this contest – she has Lefty me in the dark and I need my sense of Manny-hood back and I need to exorcise my Damons. Good luck to the Habs in the Yawkey playoffs!


Will the Pundamaniac ever make it to Fenway Park in Boston??????????????????

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Coke Claims Its Cans Are Safe

The Coca-Cola Company has come under fire for using Bisphenol-A (BPA), a potentially dangerous chemical, to coat the inside of its soft drink cans. Coca-Cola spokesperson Bev A. Rajh, a can-do, can-can dancer from Cannes, argued that the company's cans are safe and stated that, "A group of five investors has opened up a can of worms and I'll can any employee of the company who agrees with them". Rajh, a former Minute Maid who has become a Powerade to Coca-Cola's new President, Drew Topia, continued by stating that, "These five renegade investors have ConFuzed the public and are Barqing up the wrong tree with a Fanta-stic story that, as far as I'm concerned, amounts to Zero - well, they're not my cup of Nestea". Rajh, who is on a Diet and often bottles up her emotions, might see her strength fizz out as investors drink in all the publicity they've been receiving. President Topia, a Sprite kind of man with a Fresca view on matters, concluded by saying, "Rather than try to fight these five investors to the death I'd rather talk to the Five Alive".

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Royal Wedding Dilemma

My Lord, this isn't a Noble gesture on my part but you can Count on me to Duke it out with my wife on April 27 for control of the TV during the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. I vow not to watch the wedding so my wife might just crown me with the TV remote but, my home is my castle, and, by George, her actions will ring hollow with me. Right now I'm not an Abbey camper and I don't have any Earls of wisdom to offer and, for the time being, I might be down for the Viscount, but I am a well-groomed man who never Wales and is determined to watch what I want on my Philips TV. There is a to-Di-for King of Queens marathon on at the same time and I am determined to watch it - there's no Middleton ground in this matter.

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Online Gambling Sites Indicted by US Attorney

Three Internet gambling companies have been accused by the US Attorney in Manhattan of committing crimes such as bank fraud, money laundering and illegal gambling. Representatives of the three companies, Cassie Noh, the black Jack King of Queens and Lou (Texas) Holdem, vehemently denied the charges. They issued the following statement: "The US Attorney is an Ace-hole and a high roller who wants a showdown with us because he'll think that we'll fold under the pressure. Well, I've got news for him - we're all studs - three of a kind who won't crack when the chips are down. He can up the ante on us all he wants but he won't stack up to us because we realize that there's a lot at stake". The US Attorney, Jack Pott, a poker-faced high roller with a blue chip list of clients, declared, "If the three of them think that I'm a wild card who's isn't serious about pursuing this indictment then let them call my bluff. My ace in the hole is that we are royal flush with cash and so are prepared for a long fight".  Pott, a cut-above the average public attorney who has recently survived a management shuffle, is holding his cards close to his vest with respect to his next move. Pott bid farewell to me and made it quite clear that this case is a big deal to him.

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Disney Revamping its Stores

Disney has decided to pump lots of money into revamping its 365 retail outlets over the next five years. In light of recent trends towards online sales, reaction to this bricks-and-mortar investment varies. Comments are:

- "The Disney folks are Lightyears ahead in creating a Buzz about their stores".
- "This is a Goofy, Mickey Mouse move that is nothing but a Minnie-disaster".
- "The Beasts at Disney have finally answered the Belle when the Chips are down - what a Beauty-ful move".
- "I hate to burst their Bubbles, but these management Squirts at Disney will never increase their cash Flo
    with this move that does nothing but Crush the company's investors. I can't take it anyNemo".
- "When I first heard the news I hit the Flora but now I'm kind of Fauna of a bold move by these Sleeping   
    Beauties at Disney".
- "I was at Wendy's when I heard this news and I wish that investors would give The Lost Boys at Disney
    the Hook for Tinkering with this dumbo idea".
- "At first I was Grumpy but then I was Happy to see the Sleepy, Dopey and Bashful directors at Disney
    do something that will Dwarf anything that they've ever done before".

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Energy Crisis is Here

Energy economist Peter Tertzakian is warning that "we are approaching a "break point" where no major energy source is simultaneously cheap, secure and clean".  Three Department of Energy officials, the well-oiled Mohammed O. Peck, the radiant Cher Noble and the fuelish Olive Oyle, hosted a meeting of energy companies and reported that, "The nuclear industry, after the Fukushima situation, when informed of the mounting opposition to nuclear energy, had a meltdown. They believe that they have the nucleus of a strong team that, in the days ahead, will clear up much of the con-fusion concerning this explosive situation. The well-drilled oil industry officials were quite pumped at the start of the meeting but didn't seem to have a lot of energy in reserve towards the end. The natural gas industry has developed a new slogan - "We shale overcome". The wind energy representatives were blowing a lot of hot air and seemed to be going around in circles - this took a lot of wind out of their sails. The Solar energy people were hot under the collar and felt burnt when they weren't supported by the solar panel at the meeting - solar energy is clearly a hard cell. For peat's sake, fossil industry officials were given the coal shoulder and were on the rocks after their presentation seemed to bog down and so was perceived to be the pits". In general, the meeting was full of noise pollution and didn't generate any electricity among participants.

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Grammys Reduce Number of Categories

Organizers for the Grammys announced that they are reducing the number of categories from 109 to 78. Music industry observer Carrie Solo, suffering from a slipped disk, said, "I want to take note and go on record to say that this decision is music to my ears. I've been working the music beat for a long time and it's a good decision to scale down the number of categories. In the past, I've been quite vocal about this issue and so I feel instrumental in influencing the decision-makers to change their tune. In the past, I gave the Grammys managers a bad rap because I haven't been in a-chord with their policies but I've now taken note of the decision that they have just orchestrated". Not everyone agrees with the decision. Critic Al Bum, who just returned from being out of the country but looking all jazzed up in his new clothes, countered, "This decision doesn't represent the gospel truth - it's a response to a choir of fans who were singing the blues about the length of the Grammys show. This is a classical mistake made by a bunch of oldies who were caught between a hard rock and a hardplace". A composed Solo commented that, "I'd like to pop Bum good and polka one of his eyes out but this would only test his metal and would represent my swan song".
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Frito-Lay Products Going All Natural

Frito-Lay, the world's largest manufacturer of snack foods, has announced that half of its snacks will be made from all natural ingredients. Some nutritionists are skeptical, including Miss Stacy Vickies from Cape Cod, who said, "Frito-Lay is trying to take a bigger bite of the market and bag some more sales but, when the chips are down and sales take a dip, management will give in and live off the trans-fat of the land". Frito-Lay President Chesters Spitz, a Cracker Jack of a man who is Wise beyond his years responded, "Miss Vickies is a real Utz who Ruffles our feathers all the time and is trying to rub salt into our wounds. She's an ex-employee who could never get the Lays of the land at our company and who is now trying to cashew in all this publicity. Her response is Classic and I cheddar to think what she'll say next. Well, I'd like to tell Miss Vickies that, in this battle, let the chips fall where they may and it ain't over until the trans-fat lady sings". Spitz, considered to be the salt of the earth and a man that lives in a high snack bracket, concedes that Frito-Lay is trying to play ketchup in the all natural market segment but feels that Frito Lay's new move is a Classic strategy that will pay off when the chips are down.

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World's Coral Reefs in Danger

A report issued by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, called the Reefs at Risk Revisited report, is causing controversy. Critic Debbie Salmon, a well-eeled woman from Finland, said, "As soon as this report was issued, I smelt a rat. I hate to keep carping on it but this report is a red herring that's taking quite atoll on me. The report's author, Charlie C. Bass, who works for the U.S. Sturgeon General, is not in tuna with the times and I wish that he would just clam up". Bass, in a crabby mood because he had been sitting in traffic on the turn-pike, responded, "Holy mackerel, I hate to carp on it, but Salmon is floundering and I'd like to just snapper in two. Quite frankly, I have bigger fish to fry than deal with this fish out of water whose critique smells fishy to me. Well I wish that she'd fish or cut bait rather than continue to make waves". As moray and moray evidence accumulates, it seems that the world's coral reefs are not o.cay and that people like Salmon are a Great Barrier to dealing with this whale of an issue.

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Hairy Penises Lost in Evolution

A research study co-led by the Stanford University School of Medicine suggests that, in human males, the hairy penis was lost in the evolutionary process. Prominent critic of the research, the hardened Mr. Beau Jobs, an accomplished organ player, commented, "This research sucks and is a big blow to evolutionary research. I hate to mouth off but these researchers are so cock-sure of themselves that they don't realize that they have hosed us. I absolutely hate when scientists dick around with the facts and give us the shaft. The Stanford researchers had their balls to the wall in this research project and they now have brass balls in trying to sell us findings that should be put in mothballs". Stanford scientist Harry Balles, a former seaman and up-and-comer at the university, reacted by saying, "I stand erect in support of this research, which is the climax of years of hard work. If Jobs feels stiffed then he should withdraw from making any comments." Clearly, the thrust of Jobs' argument has not penetrated Balles' thoughts concerning distinguishing between right and dong.   www.pundamania.com

World-Class Smellers Acquire Sense of Smell

French scientists have discovered that those who have super smelling abilities are not born with a superior sense of smell but acquire it through years of professional sniffing. British scientist Ari O. Ma disputed the claim, stating that, "These French claims stink of French snobbery and I smell a rat. The French perfume industry has paid through the nose for this research and they must face the mucus and admit their obvious biases". French scientist Jean-Claude Odoré responded by saying that, "I don't know why Ma has his nose out of joint but something smells fishy here. Our research results are as clear as the nose on his face and so I wish that he'd keep his nose out of my business. We put our noses to the grindstone, nosed around quite a bit, followed our noses and took a hard-nosed approach to this project. Look, it's no skin off my nose to tell Ma to take a breather and wake up and smell the coffee". American scientist T. Nose Pickens thinks that, in criticizing this research, Ma is cutting off his nose to spite his face.   www.pundamania.com

Time Inc. CEO Forced Out

Speculation is rampant as to the reasons why Time Inc. CEO Joan Mast-Head was forced out of the company. Industry insider Maggie Zeen had this to say: "Joan was a party animal, seeking Entertainment Weekly with People with whom she spent a Fortune. The Essence of her departure was Real Simple - Joan was the Life of the party who spent lots of Money from dawn until Sunset - too much partying and spending lots of money are My Recipes for disaster". The time appears to be ripe for Time Inc. Vice-President Eddie Tor to take on the CEO role as he has time on his hands and he's been marking time for such an opportunity to arise. The fact that the sands of time are slipping away is a story as old as time and so Tor will likely become the new CEO just in the nick of time". Tor, sipping Minute Maid orange juice at a Days Inn Hotel (after having parked his Buick Century) as I interviewed him, feels that he's not in a week position but doesn't have a second to lose because he is in his golden years and is hour choice to become the new CEO. Time will tell.
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Is Google Starting to Crack?

Industry insiders are saying that Google is showing cracks in its armour by over-diversifying into areas such as robotic cars, searchable health records and electricity production. Google Vice-President of Business Development, Anne Droid, who is rumored to be searching for a special someone, disagreed, saying, " This is News to me. I'm searching my brain for the right words but Google recognizes that our core is the search business and we're searching for the right person to lead it." But critics are picking up a Buzz in the marketplace that there's a new Wave of competition and so many believe that Google's market leadership isn't so Orkut and dried. Wall Street critic, the Googledy-eyed G-male Chris Chrome, commented, "Google management has to turn the Page, start to Brin with confidence again, re-Groupon and Maps out a new strategy. The Street View is that management is throwing money down the YouTubes and had better start to Facebook reality. The company is no longer the Apple of Wall Street's eyes." I believe that the company's founders, despite facing sales that are Microsoft, are no Yahoos and, in the end, will Bing home the bacon.

Green Mountain Roasters Buys Van Houtte

Fast-growing, Vermont-based Green Mountain Coffee Roasters Inc. has acquired Canadian coffee company Van Houtte. Industry insiders have roasted Green Mountain management over the acquisition. Green Mountain President Yolanda Capp-Pacino, an expert in Java programming and no average Joe, responded, "This idea has been percolating for several years. Some told us that Van Houtte was not worth a hill of beans but we decided to grind it out. The truth is that we really like Van Houtte a latte and there's no point crying over spilt milk." The industry insider who spilled the beans, Max W. House, didn't have an axe to grind - he put his nose to the grindstone over this deal that had been brewing for years. House, limping due to a sprained decaf muscle, said, "This deal isn't quite my cup of tea although Green Mountain will be acquiring an excellent crop of well-grounded managers who don't give a Van Houtte about what others have to say". I give a very big Sanka to House for being able to espresso himself so eloquently   - without filtering his thoughts.
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New Breathalyzer Screens For Illness

A team of researchers affiliated with the National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) is developing a new breathalyzer that can screen for illness. However, the news was tempered by the announcement that the General Manager of NIST, Barney Blowhard, has been fired. A spokesperson for NIST commented, "Blowhard was let go because he was full of hot air. His employees complained about three aspect's of Blowhard's personality - 1. he couldn't contain his temper as he was always blowing his stack; 2. his ego was too big - he was constantly blowing his own trumpet; and 3. he was inconsistent - he seemed to blow hot and cold." NIST's employees believe that the GM's departure is a big blow to them but they can breathe easier as a replacement has been found. Her name is Wanda Long-Winded. The NIST spokesperson continued, "I know that our employees have been waiting with baited breath for Blowhard's replacement and they'll find Long-Winded to be a breath of fresh air. While Long-Winded doesn't walk on air, she'll never put on airs or vanish into thin air and will never hold grudges as she will always try to clear the air." Long-Winded wasn't available for comment as she was taking a breather before starting her new job.   www.pundamania.com

New Upscale Underwear Line Launched

Dylan Ribkoff, grandson of renowned designer Joseph Ribkoff, has launched an upscale men's underwear line. Retail spokesperson Joy Stick, talking to us over lunch at Long John's, commented, "Personally, I didn't think that Ribkoff had the balls to launch this line of underwear. This is a prickly situation and I'm not sure if this line will fly. Upscale underwear is a stretch and Ribkoff appears to be cock-sure that this new line's life will not be brief. Many retailers think that he is nuts so, in the end, they might end up giving him the shaft". Ribkoff spokesman P.P. Putz, an accomplished boxer who is proud of his manhood, countered, "Joy Stick is being too hard on us and doesn't seem to know the difference between right and thong. We're confident that our package will stick out on retail shelves and will have a big impact. Consumer demand for underwear tends to be elastic and so we will pecker away at our competitors' market shares." Many analysts on Wall Street are optimistic about the new line provided that the company is not jockstrapped for cash.   www.pundamania.com