Paul McCartney to Marry For the Third Time

Former Beatle Paul McCartney is engaged to New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. McCartney issued this statement: "Since my last marriage, it's been The Long and Winding Road but I felt like a Fool on the Hill until I Saw Her Standing There. Yesterday, I finally awoke from my Golden Slumbers, thought of Nancy and I realized that I wanted to give her All My Loving and that the Two of Us can't wait Another Day and, With a Little Luck, we'll be singing Silly Love Songs to each other Every Night. Last year, Back in the U.S.S.R., we had a fight but I knew We Can Work It Out because She's A Woman And I love Her. That trip was Helter Skelter but I asked her to Hold Me Tight and that I Got to Get You Into My Life. We then took a Jet as we had to Get Back home because I proposed to her and I told her, 'Oh! Darling, Your Mother Should Know'. Maybe I'm Amazed but her father told me to marry her right away and I was inclined to Listen to What the Man Said.  The wedding will be in a church on Penny Lane and the bridesmaids will be Eleanor Rigby, Michelle, Lady Madonna and Mrs. Vanderbilt and my best men will be Uncle Albert and Admiral Halsey. With Wings beneath my sails, I Say Say Say to my dearest Nancy, 'My Love, despite My Lovely Linda, there was nobody Till There was You and I'll Follow the Sun to your doorstep'. McCartney looked a little dis-Shevelled when he announced his engagement but, for now, I'll just Let It Be.

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Why Won't The Montreal Canadiens Get Bigger?

I was at the Darché de l’Ouest on the west Island, eating at a Price-y restaurant where I was dining on fried Cammalleri, baby back Ribeiros and, for some dessert, homemade apple Pyatt. It was raining cats and Dawes and I was Muller-ing over the Canadiens being Shutt out of the playoffs once again with my friend, an auto Plekanec who was Pearn-ing mad about the Habs’ playoff woes. When I was young, the Habs really Groulx on me and I was very Keane on Nos Glorieux. That’s why it Burns me up that the Canadiens have become playoff door Mats – it’s a Travis-ty that makes me Moen in pain. Great Scott, I’m at a Lars for words because it seems so black and White to me that the Canadiens continue to Toe the line and a-Boyd going after guys with Max-imum size. I feel Souray that  management doesn’t get Lapointe that, in order to Gainey Moore points in the regular season, and to make sure they won’t be Lach-ed out of going further in the palyoffs, they have to get off their Duffs , Knuckles down and get bigger! Maybe The Team 990 can answer the Bell and start a Forum to ask Geoff Molson to put on a Jacques-strap and Saku the current management team – it would send one Houle of a message to us rabid Habs fans!

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Will the Pundamaniac Ever Get To Fenway Park in Boston?

The Pundamaniac is desperate to visit Fenway Park in Boston to see the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, I entered a contest with the following:



Why should I win this contest? Let me tell you my story (I hope I won’t Boggs you down in the details). I remember the good old days, when I’d watch the McGuire Sisters on TV, listed to Connie Francis and Tony Bennett records, read plays penned by the famous Bard and travel to exotic places like Okajima, Japan or the Magadan Islands. Recently, however, I developed Cronin’s disease and it seems I Drew the short end of the stick with my luck. To be quite Francona with you, I recently met a woman who’s a real diamond in the rough, but I can’t get to first base with her. She’s quite a Foxx, a Pesky lady who’s on the ball and who lives a short stop away from me. Being a Doerr and a Wheeler-dealer, I decided to roll the Dice-K and pitch her on the idea of dating me. She seemed to have a heart of Clay because she balked at first and said I was too Young. We finally went out for some Lester’s smoked meat, Campbell’s Soup and pasta with Marinaro sauce and saw the movie All That Yaz; but it was clear that she was out to either torment Ortiz me. We talked about environmental issues but she said I was boring and called me a Green Monster. She said I was a son-of-a-Mitch and I bore the Brunt of her jokes the rest of the evening. She called me too Fisky, didn’t like my point of Bews and said that I had a Lackey of confidence. Thus, you see why I need to win this contest – she has Lefty me in the dark and I need my sense of Manny-hood back and I need to exorcise my Damons. Good luck to the Habs in the Yawkey playoffs!


Will the Pundamaniac ever make it to Fenway Park in Boston??????????????????

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Coke Claims Its Cans Are Safe

The Coca-Cola Company has come under fire for using Bisphenol-A (BPA), a potentially dangerous chemical, to coat the inside of its soft drink cans. Coca-Cola spokesperson Bev A. Rajh, a can-do, can-can dancer from Cannes, argued that the company's cans are safe and stated that, "A group of five investors has opened up a can of worms and I'll can any employee of the company who agrees with them". Rajh, a former Minute Maid who has become a Powerade to Coca-Cola's new President, Drew Topia, continued by stating that, "These five renegade investors have ConFuzed the public and are Barqing up the wrong tree with a Fanta-stic story that, as far as I'm concerned, amounts to Zero - well, they're not my cup of Nestea". Rajh, who is on a Diet and often bottles up her emotions, might see her strength fizz out as investors drink in all the publicity they've been receiving. President Topia, a Sprite kind of man with a Fresca view on matters, concluded by saying, "Rather than try to fight these five investors to the death I'd rather talk to the Five Alive".

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