Fertility Experts Recommend Sperm Limits

Many fertility-treatment experts are calling on authorities to legally restrict the number of children who can be born from a single donor's semen. One critic, Inna Vivo, disagreed pubicly, stating that, "I can't conceive that these so-called experts are making a sperm-of-the-moment demand that tries to egg authorities on to make decisions that will have spermanent repercussions. They are trying to reproduce arguments that will only give birth to laws that are based on no hard evidence. This is fertile ground to have these scientists dismissed." Vivo received a standing ovulation for her speech. Biologist Phil O. Peon, nicknamed the 'Genital Giant' because of his soft-spoken nature when he worked as a seaman, responded, "Scientists must stand erect as they make ultra-sound arguments on this issue that try to penetrate the pubic conscience. I realize that fertility treatment is Vivo's baby and that she will never abort her efforts to criticize us. At first glans, Vivo sounds cock-sure of herself, but the reality is that she is trying to juggle too many balls at once in a field that is only in its embryonic stage." Peon, who once worked as a performer in the Ziegfeld Follicles, speaks with a passion that is a testicle to the man's internal fortitude.

Domtar Acquires Attends Healthcare

Domtar Inc., the paper producer, has announced that it has purchased Attends Healthcare Inc., the maker of incontinence undergarments, for $315 million in cash. Domtar Chief Executive Officer, P.P. Bowles, speaking at the Incontinence Hotel, made this announcement: "We believe that this acquisition will increase our earnings stream and enhance our cash flow. It will help shore up our recent piss-poor stock performance and help restore employee morale, which has been in the dumps of late. We will absorb Attends Healthcare into our company for a brief period of time and their employees will occupy offices that have long been void."
Critic Jimmy Tinkler, a financial whiz kid, commented that, "Bowles had a strong urge to get this deal done quickly, fearing that word would leak out to competition. While Bowles pads the company's revenues with this deal, he leaves his salespeople on guards. He obviously likes the Attends acquisition but, as I told him when I saw him, "That's urinalysis and not mine."  This acquisition is obviously no accident but will it generate long-term profits? All I can say is - It Depends."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Astronomers Discover Planet Made of Diamonds

An international research team published an article in Science journal claiming that they may have discovered a planet made of diamonds in the Milky Way. Ironically, the scientist's name is Pearl Hope-Diamond, a real diamond in the rough who's a cut above her colleagues. Scientist Ruby Topaz, speaking at the Constellation Hotel, had this to say about Hope-Diamond: "She has left no stone unturned in her research and has had an astronomical impact on our profession. She's a real gem who makes her point with lots of clarity and is always radiant and highly engaged in her work. She is a crystal clear communicator who would rather use a carat rather than a stick when dealing with her direct reports. It's true like she likes to drink the occasional De Beers but why shouldn't she? - Hope-Diamond is celebrating her Golden Jubilee anniversary this year." Topaz, eating a Mars bar in her vintage Ford Mercury, continued, "I would give the sun and the moon for Hope-Diamond because she has paved the Milky Way for others to unearth similar astronomic discoveries." Hope-Diamond is happily married to Uri A. Nos, a former pitcher for - you guessed it - the Arizona Diamondbacks.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Ode to the Wagar Class of '71

Dear fellow Wagarites (class of '71),

In honour of our recent reunion!

After our very special 40th reunion, I wanted to follow up with something unique. As some of you were aware, I have written a book called "The Misfortune 500:Pundamania" - a series of 500 vignettes that uses word play and twists on words to create funny stories about business, entertainers, sports, etc. It is in this spirit that I have written a special Wagar Class of '71 ditty. With 400 classmates, it was impossible to include everyone (so please forgive me!) but please enjoy the following:

I'd like to reflect on our old high school days in a very Candib, Frank and Ernest manner. We were all so Young, a little Green with envy, at times Gross and a lot Wilder than we are today.  Many of us took Wagar by Storm - others would Bock at going to school and Long for those years to be over. All we ever wanted was a Modlin of respect - at Minna-mum, a chance to feel Fine about ourselves. Some of us experienced a Frost-y reception that would Zap us of our energy; others were Diamonds in the rough who knew the difference between right and Wong. We wanted to go out into the Werk-place and find jobs as Breuers, Fischer-men (for Karp), Millers, donut Glazers,  Parnasses, Bakers, Goldsmiths or even drive Zanbilowicz machines at the Montreal Forum.

The hormones would rage - a guy would meet a girl, Muller over and then try to Groper - particularly if she had lots of Saks appeal. But the girls would look back at these guys with Blank stares and, thus, the guys' chances of getting lucky were Slimm and Small. Each girl wanted lots of Cuddles and get a guy with a Smiley face who would Tucker in each night, give her a Seal of approval and Sher their feelings. I guess that the guys didn't have any Kalman sense or Perlis of wisdom to know that girls would Kling to dreams involving romantic evenings in Paris or even Israel. So, guys, the girls would de-Klein our advances - feeling Freed from the sexual pressures and dealing us a Fransblow to our egos.  We were forced to Chuck it all, drown our sorrows over a Burger at the Brown Derby and then Dash home and watch James Dean movies such as Nebel Without A Cause.

As for me, I long for even younger days when I would curl up with my two Katz, eat ice cream Cohens and Big Max, read books like Dr. Zeus and Jack In The Bienenstock - without Karen about anything in the world. I guess that I need a new Margolis on life but I will remain put because a rolling stone gathers no Moss. Irgo, in the Puritz sense of the word, I hope that you don't mind that I Baird my soul and gave this my Best shot. May this be a Prelude to better things ahead!

I hope that the above brought some smiles to your faces with the odd laugh or two. You can get more information on the book at www.pundamania.com <http://www.pundamania.com> , where there is also a blog that I write from time to time (forgive my shameless promotion).  For those of you who attended the reunion, thanks for the memories and here's hoping to see everyone at our next celebration.

Warm regards,

Robert Paris  aka Pundamaniac
www.pundamania.com

The Dutch Kill 133 Billion Bugs A Month

A biologist at Wageningen University in Holland estimates Dutch drivers kill approximately 133 billion bugs a month. Dutch drivers are outraged at the implications of this research. Dutch resident Maartje Silver-Fish, an aphid Beetles fan, angrily declared, "These academic cockroaches have created lots of buzz by publishing this research. I'd like to scratch this research from the records and let them start from scratch because I'm afraid that the biologists are only scratching the surface. It really bugs me that these high and mite-y academics would make a last itch effort to create such a controversy." Wageinghen biologist Gnat B. Moth, a WASP and huge Sting fan who recently married a black widow, countered that, "We're no fly-by-night operation. The university is a beehive of activity and our research is the bee's knees. This controversy is a tem-pest in a teapot and it really ticks me off. I wish that Sliver-Fish would flea the country."  It's clear that, as a result of Silver-Fish's outburst, Moth has ants in his pants but he plans to soldier on rather than drive off into the distance.