P&G Reports Drop in Net Income

Procter & Gamble Co., the world's largest consumer products company, reported a drop in net income due to higher raw material costs. Company President Dee Press-Marquette, a Charmin  woman from the Ivory Coast, commented that, "There's con-Fusion within our company about these results because we are used to Always experiencing a Gain instead of a decrease. We're used to seeing great news Cascade throughout our organization and so we Rejoice at being Head & Shoulders above our competitors. As the company's President, last year I was at the Crest of my popularity as I led P&G in a mad Dash to turn the Tide during the recessionary environment. It's our Natural Instincts and the Herbal Essences of who we are as a company to do Wella in trying times. Well, things are no longer Nice 'N Easy and we have to show our Braun and let the marketplace know who the Hugo Boss is. Going forward, our strategies will be to learn the new Olay of the land, operate at MACH 3 speed and efficiency and Safeguard our position in the marketplace. This approach will be the Secret to our renewed success."

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Researchers Discover Way to Measure Pain

Pain researchers at Stanford University have found a way to objectively measure pain by monitoring brain activity. Many scientists are sceptical, including pain researcher Moe R. Feen, a real drip, who said, "The Stanford researchers are a real pain in the ass and have become the victims of a sting operation. If they don't retract their findings they'll inevitably suffer the agony of defeat. To add insult to injury, the Stanford researchers have stabbed me in the back by excluding me from their findings - an omission that only rubs salt into my wounds". Stanford researcher, heartthrob Henry Hurt, fought back by saying that, "It's true that it's been a long path that led us to our conclusions but - no pain, no gain. Feen is just being a sore loser who will suffer the consequences of his words. He's a tortured soul who has gotten himself in harm's way and is nothing more than a sore loser. We'll grant Feen some time to go off and lick his wounds and suffer in silence." Feen, when hearing Hurt's words, declared, "Now that smarts".

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Travolta New Ambassador for Bombardier Jets

Actor and pilot John Travolta has been hired by Bombardier Inc. to be a brand ambassador for its line of jets. According to Hollywood insider Marty Buzzov, this idea will never take off. Buzzov said that, "Either Travolta was able to Grease somebody's palms or he was sleeping with The General's Daughter - but, in either case, it's a Perfect deal for him. Look it, I don't want to Face Off against John because I'd be toeing The Thin Red Line, but these actors' endorsement deals are a Phenomenon that are the key to them financially Staying Alive. I bet that John will Bolt from this contract - resulting in a Civil Action from Bombardier." Travolta responded by saying that, "The Basic facts are that, before signing this deal, I spoke with my agents Carrie and Michael who advised me that these types of deals are a Lucky Numbers game and that Bombardier came through with the green and more green - Primary Colors that we like to see! These people are Two of a Kind who are The Experts who advised me to Be Cool and live Moment by Moment - so I took their advice and vow never to have a Blow Out with the Bombardier folks." Believe it or not, John left the interview with a Saturday Night Fever - after all, truth is stranger than Pulp Fiction.

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Poker Website Accused of Running a Ponzi Scheme

U.S. prosecutors have accused the poker website Full Tilt Poker of running a Ponzi scheme that defrauded players of hundreds of millions of dollars. Full Tilt Poker spokesperson Chip Cass-Eno, a low-Excalibur Venetian from Paris who loves to Wynn at all costs, commented that, "Odds are that the four government prosecutors who made these accusations are bluffing. They're attacking us when the chips are down and  giving us a raw deal. These people are four of a kind who will do whatever suits them - one is a tough guy who'd rather use clubs than carrots; one is a tough female who has revenge in spades for us; one is a real stud with a hearts of stone; only one of them is a diamonds-in-the-rough. The truth is we seldom have a full house online nor are with flush with cash. This pending lawsuit will be the flop of the century." Many Las Vegas insiders feel that this lawsuit is the last Harrah's for the four prosecutors and nothing but a Mirage - a Luxor-y that the government can't afford. If this is true, all bets are off.

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