Egg Controversy is No Yolk

The Canadian Journal of Cardiology has published an article warning that egg yolks have a lot of cholesterol and could be harmful for people at risk of heart attack and stroke. Dick "Rooster" Klegg, spokesperson for the Egg Farmers of Canada stated, "In this case, the Journal has laid an egg and I intend to get cracking and deal with these cock-sure bastards. After I finish with the authors, they will all have egg on their faces as I intend to expose the phony scheme that they have hatched". Author Denise Quayle, who scrambled to catch a bus to be on time for our interview, was obviously walking on eggs when she replied, "Klegg is a hen-pecked idiot who, as far as I'm concerned, can go sit on it. He looks at the dark side of life while I see things as sunnyside up. We looked at many research studies before we published our article because we didn't want to put all our eggs in one basket. Klegg thinks that he has cooked our goose but I caution him not to count his eggs before they're hatched". In egging Quayle on, Klegg has come out of his shell and is no longer chicken to speak his mind. However, Quayle believes that now the chickens are coming home to roost with the exposure of the health risks associated with eating egg yolks.   www.pundamania.com
 

Urn Business Unearthed

Eternal Vessel, a Victoria, B.C- based company, has a unique business importing decorative urns from Indonesia and Vietnam. However, rumours persist that the four partners, Terry and Vicky Ashe and Karen and Todd Dust, are squabbling. Terry Ashe commented, "We have to stop the in-fighting and bury the hatchet,otherwise corporate urnings will suffer. What started out as some mild disagreements has become a matter of life and death and, if unchecked, will turn into a grave matter that will be a very bad urning point in our relationship. This could be the company's kiss of death". Todd Dust, speaking in the dead of the night, countered, "I can dig the fact that the Ashes want to reconcile but I wish they'd take a powder. I've unearthed their plot to get rid of us and that's quite unacceptable tomb me. I don't want to beat a dead horse but, as far as I'm concerned, their proposal is dead in the water". Consultant Ed Vessel analyzed the situation by saying, "Building this business is a monument to both the Ashes' and Dusts' cremativity. They'll have to urn to better communicate with one another, starting Ashes to Ashes and Dust to Dust".www.pundamania.com

How do you like them apples?

Okanagan Specialty Fruits, a British Columbia biotechnology company, has developed non-browning apples. Critic Ruby Smith, concerned that a gene-modified apple is dangerous, said, "This non-browning apple is the pits and stems from a core of researchers at Okanagan Specialty Fruits who were fruity to begin with". Smith, who was born in the big Apple and who loves to work on McIntosh computers, continued, "I don't want to upset the applecart but this idea is ripe for exploitation by some juiced-up  rotten apples who took some seed money and tried to harvest it only for the sake of making a profit. It only takes one rotten apple to spoil the barrel. How do you like them apples?" Ruby's grandmother, Granny Smith, who considers her Delicious grand-daughter to be the apple of her eye, responded, "Ruby is being a little picky. She is a little browned off, sees red and has the blues when she thinks about gene-modified apples. Perhaps she's green with envy but this isn't a black-and-white issue - maybe her past has colored her emotions". I ask my readers, "What cider you on in this matter?"www.pundamania.com

Indian Elephant Gets Root Canal for Toothache

Dentists in southern India have performed root canal on an elephant to rid him of a chronic toothache. Critic Carrie N. Cissor,a citizen of Pachy-stan of Chew-ish origin,who was looking a little long in the tooth, commented, "I will fight tooth and enamel to prevent such procedures from occurring on our elephant friends. These dentists sit in their ivory towers and think that they can continue to do molar and molar of these procedures without brushing up on the realities of operating on animals - well this doesn't resin-ate well with me". Indian dentist Hal E. Tosis, calling on a trunk line from Poachtree, Georgia after having received a plaque honoring him for his dental work with elephants, defended himself by saying, "My work caries a lot of weight within the dental profession and Dumbo critics like Cissor only gum up the works. Those of us who operate on elephants are well-drilled professionals who constantly brush up on our operating procedures - so tusk luck to anyone who tries to criticize our work." Tosis hung up and was off to see a double feature at the local movie theatre -Jaws and Pulp Fiction.www.pundamania.com 

The Beatles Come to iTunes

Apple Vice-President Rawden Tootha Core announced that the Beatles' entire catalogue is coming to the digital music store iTunes. Core said, "Yesterday, Paul McCartney contacted me and told me that 'I've Got to Get You into My Life'. He said that it was about time that, "We Come Together and that I've Got a Feeling that The Two of Us will Help each other make money" (to the delight of the Taxman). In a private moment Core confessed that, "It's been a Long and Winding Road for me in my career and, With a Little Help From My Friends, It Won't be Long before I'm out of my Misery. My colleagues used to tell me that I'm a Loser and so I've had to Carry That Weight and be in Misery but, Do You Want to Know a Secret?, I remained strong in believing that All Things Must Pass. It's Because of my Dad that I was able to Let it Be and know that I was never The Fool on the Hill". Clearly, this Beatles' deal is Core's Ticket to Ride and that he and McCartney have started a Revolution in a Helter Skelter kind of way. McCartney added that, "It does Please Please Me that I've helped Core Get Back his mojo but my final words to him are 'Don't Let Me Down'." Hello, Goodbye to everyone.
www.pundamania.com

IHOP Sues IHOP

The International House of Pancakes (IHOP) is suing the International House of Prayer (also known as IHOP) for trademark dilution, claiming that the latter chose the name to leverage the IHOP restaurant chain’s fame. Restaurant chain IHOP Vice-President Flapjack Butterfield commented, “We’ll eat this religious IHOP group for breakfast. We won’t waffle in pressing ahead with our lawsuit because they’ve egged us on for too long and they’re stealing our bacon. They’re a bunch of crepes who are going straight from the fire into the frying pan. In the end we’ll prevail because we’re the batter of the two”. A cross International House of Prayer spokesperson Bee Leif responded, “These restaurant folks make me want to pewk and they don’t have a prayer. I give my solemn oath that we will defeat these sin-ical people who have no rite to sue us. We refuse to altar our plans because we have faith in our new legal team – who are facing their first baptism under fire.” The IHOP legal team has plenty of spirit but the IHOP restaurant team is the toast of the town that always comes through in a jam”.
www.pundamania.com

Can the porn industry survive Web 2.0?

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Google developing a driverless car

Google Inc. continues to develop a car that drives itself - requiring no person behind the wheel. However, Google investors are critical of this venture. One investor, Stella Hubb-Capp stated, "I don't want to sound like I'm blowing a gasket but Google management auto be strung up for taking us along for this ride. The Big Wheels at the company are blowing their own horns and losing their bearings over their financial priorities. Google Vice-President, Anne Droid, responded, We're not sitting idle over such comments. Investors continue to grille us over our investment priorities and we're beginning to tire over what these hose-bags are saying. We're gearing up for the long road ahead and we're putting the pedal to the metal to make this project happen. We've always come through in the clutch and we take a back seat to no one vis-a-vis making money for our investors." In terms of Hubb-Capp, Droid would like to fender off but the latter isn't likely to shift her priorities or put the brakes on her negative comments. This has fueled speculation that Google management is trying to bumper off.
www.pundamania.com

Bayer invests in company developing 'Viagara for women'

Bayer Pharmaceuticals has annouced a $300 million investment in Endoceutics, a company working on a 'Viagara for women'. Bayer spokesperson Urethra Franklin, recently seen driving a brand new Vulva after having been discharged from her previous company, said, "We like the fact that Endoceutics has created a stimulating work environment that arouses employees' desires while treating them genitally. This is no nipple-and-dime operation - the company keeps abreast of scientific advances and stands erect in its determination to run the best scientific labia in the world". Bayer obviously likes Endoceutic's excellent customer-cervix culture and the fact that management keeps abreast of new trends in the marketplace. Endoceutic's VP, HR the anal-retentive Pell Vic Thrust, said, "Our work environment isn't only female-oriented - we have a big opening for inspired males who want to make a spermanent contribution to our welfare. The company's culture continuosly vibrates with excitement".
www.pundamania.com

"Boardwalk Empire" Opens to Mixed Reviews

The new HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" has recently received mixed reviews - some cheers and some booze.The show's producer, Mr. Jack Daniels, who came within a whiskey of not making the interview declared, "The cable TV audience was thirsty for a show of this type and most viewers are drinking it all in. This show is just the tonic for those who like a home-brewed, quality TV program that has one helluva bootleg up on competition. "Boardwalk Empire" has fermented our viewers' imaginations and there's a lot more in the hopper." TV critic Carla Moon-Shine responded, "This show's producers would like to be the toast of the town but their early success is only because they blitzed their audience with a heavy marketing campaign. After this, they will get hammered in the ratings, the audience will tank and all this effort will end up wasted." Moon-Shine was blasted for her comments as most believe that the show's liquid assets will pull it through any adversity.
www.pundamania.com

Can toning shoes firm up your butt?

Manufacturers of sneakers are claiming that new "toning shoes" are the answer to firmimg up America's butts. Industry critic Ashley "Bum" Rapp stated, "These Skechy people making these claims are a bunch of heels with no soles who are a bunch of goody two-shoes. Converse-ly speaking, they don't know the very Asics of business and they couldn't New Balance their books if their lives depended on it". Many industry insiders, however, feel that Rapp is a pain in the butt who has cracked under pressure. Adidas spokesperson Flip Flopowicz responded, "Rapp is an anal-retentive cheeky asshole with a bad case of assid reflux. He's hit rock bottom - his words smell of desperation. I wish he'd stop making a stink about this matter". Flopowicz feels that many would get a kick out of Rapp getting a kick in his pants for trying to kick up a storm over toning shoes. Sneakers manufacturers will continue to respond to their critics' accusations - no ifs, whats and butts about it.
www.pundamania.com

Pee Power

Scientists at Heriot-Watt University's School of Engineering and Physical Sciences in Edinburgh, Scotland are experimenting at turning human pee into electricity and clean water with a prototype fuel cell system. One critic of the project, Uri Thra, recently discharged from the university, commented, "This project is a waste of time and pisses me off. The project's scientists don't have the balls to admit that this project is a stain on the university's reputation and that it well never produce a steady stream of earnings. After all, we're experiencing a real liquidity crisis." University President P.P. Poo-Poo replied, "I told Thra the other day, 'either urine or you're out'. I don't know why she's turned yellow but the university is flush with cash and so I told her earlier today, 'I don't understand the basis of urinalysis'. I realize that this is a prickly situation but I don't deserve to be treated like a schmuck". Poo-Poo's reputation, at one time down the toilet, has recently grown as he has received a steady golden shower of compliments.
www.pundamania.com

Sonomax Developing A Bionic Ear

Sonomax Technologies Inc., the Canadian hearing protection company, is investing in the development of a bionic ear but so far the pleas for cash have fallen on deaf ears. Sonomax co-founder Lowden Clear, obviously a little wet behind the ears, sounded off, "We can really make some noise in the marketplace with a bionic ear and any investment would be sound as a dollar. For crying out loud, it's discouraging that investors have turned a deaf ear." Clear, never someone to play it by ear, is trying to stirrup some action within the investment community with a plug for his innovative new product and a positive reaction would be music to his ears. Investor Devon Dum, speaking from his office on Canal Street, responded, "It hertz that Clear thinks that his pitch for this bionic ear has failed but the vibrations coming from me are positive and I'm all ears". Sonomax could face a patent issue with respect to its new technology and is awaiting a hearing.  
www.pundamania.com

Gibson Guitars being investigated for using illegal wood

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is investigating Gibson Guitars for the use of illegal wood. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service spokesperson Casta Lion, said, "We're not looking to string anyone up at Gibson but we're determined to reel anyone in who is engaged in fishy practices. Holy mackerel, the Gibson folks have to get off their perch, stop floundering and halt their nasty habit of baiting us with lies." Gibson President Melody A. Sharp retorted, "The government has picked on us on a scale that has brought a level of dis-chord that has us tuned out. While we're trying to turn a Page, the bass-tards have us on The Edge and are trying to turn Beck the sands of time and Zappa us out of the picture. I wish they'd let us B.B." Sharp, feasting on a meal of T-Bone steak, cherry Garcia ice cream and a Berry concoction, feels that the government's case has Diddley-squat merit to it. If proven guilty over using illegal wood, Sharp could be up a tree and would likely be axed. 
www.pundamania.com

Pundamaniac Fails to Interview DiCaprio

Trying to interview Leonardo DiCaprio last week was an effort in futility. I was scheduled to interview him on The Beach at his home on Revolutionary Road on Shutter Island but this proved to be a Titanic failure. The Inception of this idea for the interview was to question DiCaprio about a Body Of Lies that has arisen about the Growing Pains he experienced during his childhood years (apparently, DiCaprio didn’t experience the best that Parenthood has to offer). While my interview request was made at The 11th Hour, Dicaprio never showed up. It’s easier to land an interview with The Gangs of New York to discuss their Basketball Diaries than it is to talk with the famous actor. DiCaprio was seen flying off the island. The Aviator seemed to look back at me and say, “Catch Me If You Can”. And so I waved goodbye to The Departed.
www.pundamania.com

Paul McCartney - letters auctioned off- Pundamania style

The following letters were recently auctioned off for one million dollars by the combined estates of the Beatles:
Hey Jude,
I know you’re cheating and so you have made my life Helter Skelter.  All your affairs with Sexy Sadie, Long Tall Sally, Penny Lane, Lovely Rita, that Dear Prudence, Lady Madonna, Eleanor Rigby and that dreadful
Lucie in the Sky with Diamonds have made me go for Help. I became suicidal, thinking that Happiness is a Warm Gun and I dreamt of drifting into Golden Slumbers. But Do You Want To Know A Secret? I’ve followed the Long and Winding Road and I’m no longer the Fool on the Hill.  Here Comes the Sun and I Will Follow the Sun.
Dizzy Miss Lizzy
Oh Darling,
Get Back! I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Please Let It Be and let’s Come Together. I Should Have Known Better and I know that This Boy has to Carry That Weight. You too have had your affairs with that
Mean Mr. Mustard, the Taxman and that Paperback Writer and you surely enjoyed Maxwell’s Silver Hammer in the Norwegian Wood. I have become a Nowhere Man. I am a Loser. I’m Down. I’ve become so delusional that I told my psychologist that I am the Walrus Back in the U.S.S.R. But I know that I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Your Mother Should Know that You Really Got a Hold on Me and that I’m Happy Just to Dance With You. I Should Have Known Better but We Can Work it Out With a Little Help From My Friends. Love Me Do.
From Me to You.
Jude
Hey Jude,
If you agree to Act Naturally Eight Days a Week I’ve Got a Feeling, In Spite All the Danger, that to rehabilitate, All You Need is Love. I’ve Got a Feeling that You’ll Be Mine but You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away. I know that your affairs happened Yesterday and I believe that All Things Must Pass. So buy a Ticket To Ride on the Yellow Submarine and let’s start Something new. Don’t Let Me Down otherwise You’re Going to Lose That Girl.
All My Loving,
Lizzie
The one million dollar sales price will likely start a Revolution.
(More excerpts from famous musicians' diaries and letters - Pundamania style- in The Misfortune 500: Pundamania™.  Buy the book. Have a puntastic laugh!)
www.pundamania.com

Where Are All the Sports Role Models?

Simon and Garfunkel, in the classic song Mrs. Robinson, ask the now-famous question "Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you?" Is there no such thing any more as a sports hero? Tiger Woods used to fly like an eagle but has ended up in a hole (actually in many of them!). Tiger's hyperactive putter and flying balls have landed him in a trap and made him out to a bogey-man. What a putts! Lebron James used to be perceived as a cavalier gentleman but is now taking the heat for being such a basket case. His contract with Cleveland should have been a slam dunk but, in signing with Miami, his reputation has taken a hit in the court of public opinion. What dribble drabble! Alex Rodriguez used to be known as A-Rod; now he's known as A-Fraud. Rodriguez is now the prime candidate to be inducted into the Hall of Shame; certainly not the Hall of Fame. What a knuckler-head! And what's up with Brett Favre? Training camp begins and you think, 'so Favre, so good'. Then he takes a pass and retires. He fumbles his words as he talks to the press but seems to get a kick out of it all. What a sad sack! A Favre cry from the good old days.
www.pundamania.com

Running Room and Weight Watchers Form Marketing Alliance

The Running Room and Weight Watchers International have recently formed a marketing alliance to promote a healthier lifestyle. Running Room Vice-President and Board member of Sprint USA, the run-of-the-mill Mada Dash, issued the following statement: “This was a marathon negotiation session and, in the end, we ran circles around the Weight Watchers people. When the talks began, we were off and running and we were able to set the pace. It was a race against time but, in the long run, we made some great strides”. Weight Watchers Vice-President, Legal Affairs, Belle E. O’Bese, said, “I’m glad that the negotiations are over – this is a big weight off my shoulders. Personally I found Dash hard to stomach but, nevertheless, I feel that we came out on top – we ate them for breakfast! They came to chew the fat but we swallowed our pride, got heavy-handed and devoured them.” Both women appeared to be plumped-up during the negotiations. Employees involved in the joint venture will be paid above scale.
www.pundamania.com

Obama defends auto giants' bailout

Instead of steering us in the wrong direction, President Obama auto be telling it like it is with respect to the recent bailouts of GM and Chrysler. The President of Chrysler, Vinny Viper, should be told, "You're a Jeep son-of-a-bitch who is of a low Caliber who tried to Ram your pity story down our throats while taking the American public on a ride on this pathetic Journey". The President of General Motors, Bernat LaCrosse, who was on a trip from Malibu to Colorado during the spring Equinox, should be told, "I can't Hummer the point home enough that we all get bad Vibes from you because your senior managers are all a bunch of double-LaCrossers". However, the President of Ford, Mustang Shelby, who refused any bailout money, should be told, "Take your management team on a Fiesta for a well-earned Escape. Thank them for their Super Duty to the American public. They have Focus, an Edge over competition and they were able to Flex their muscles and refuse to grovel".
www.pundamania.com

Colgate and Glaxo in Legal Battle

The Colgate Palmolive Co. and GlaxoSmithKline PLC are in a legal battle over the right to use a "nurdle", a wave-shaped toothpaste blob that sits on a toothbrush head, on their toothpaste packages. Colgate spokesperson Oral Cankersore filed this statement: "The Glaxo people need to brush up on the law because their lawsuit against us has no teeth. Frankly, I'm at a floss for words because I feel that they are trying to Fleecy us - I wish they would get a Poli-Grip on themselves and stop mouthing off". Glaxo spokesperson Ginger Vitis, a well-drilled lawyer from Ajax commented, "Colgate has lost Contac with reality. They're far too Sensodyne about the nurdle issue and their lawsuit is gumming up the works. Maybe our original lawsuit hurt their fillings but, as far as I'm concerned, they've bitten off more than they can chew". Colgate President Arthur Dontix has placed a gag order on anyone talking to the media, staing that 'Tum's the word'.
www.pundamania.com

Baseball Hall of Fame Inductions

As I’m sitting on a park Bench on the Banks of a river snacking away on A Puckett full of chicken Fingers, corn on the Cobb, Rice with Lemon meringue pie and Reese’s Pieces for dessert and washed down with some lime Rickey and Grey Goose, I can’t help but think of the recent Baseball Hall of Fame inductions recently held in Cooperstown, New York. If I Mays, we Ott to turn the Paige and not get so Boggsed down in nostalgia. I don’t mean to be Ruthless but It gets me downright Dizzy to have to Combs through all of the memories that baseball has given us over a Spahn of several years. I’m Young at heart and, thus, I find this a little hard to Berra so it makes me want to Cy, get into my Ford that’s well-equipped with Doby speakers, crack open a beer and Killebrew. Some of you might want to tell me to go Carew myself but I’m a pretty big Feller who can dis-Mantle any ill feelings thrown my way and, in the end, I will out-Foxx you all!
www.pundamania.com

A Presidential/Vice-Presidental Story

President Obama was Biden his time when he was picked up in a new Lincoln Continental equipped with new Monroe shocks. Obama has to Garner enough courage and Marshall enough resources to address a group of Republicans, a Cheney of fools who would try to Pierce his arguments with Bush league comments. During the President's speech, the audience tried to Polk holes in his arguments but Obama is a Wheeler-dealer who is used to people giving him a Harding time with Taylor-made arguments that fail to make Hayes. During the speech, Obama was thinking, "I'm Hamlin a great time because I Fillmore like a King and I feel Gore and Gore at ease". After the speech, the President enjoyed a meal of Quayle and Burr-itos topped off by some Adams' Brand gum. The above story is Truman, please give me the Curtis-y of the doubt - Grant me that!
www.pundamania.com

Debate on Exercise Balls Rolls On

Are exercise balls useful? As a precautionary measure, I recommend the following:
1. In unpacking your balls, handle with extreme care. Don't blow too hard when inflating them.
2. When touching your balls, don't squeeze too hard - exercise shouldn't be painful.
3. Remember that your balls deliver more bang for the buck than ordinary exercise.
4. Avoid excess moisture on your balls - the clean-up is too messy.
5. Avoid storing your balls in damp, dark places - expose your balls to light as often as possible.
6. Break new balls in slowly - balls take time to be rigid and perform well.
7. Please - one person per set of balls - too many people will drive you nuts.
8. If your balls remain flacid over a long period of time, get help - this will be a stroke of genius.
Over the years, I have modified my exercise routine to make regular use of my balls.
www.pundamania.com

U.S. Congress

As the U.S. Congress has now passed a bill to tighten regulations in the financial industry, you have to give them a lot of credit. Let’s take stock of the situation – in passing the bill, the Democrats had close bonds with each other while the Republicans cried all the way to the bank. Some say that the bill will tend to mortgage the futures of lots of Americans and I urge you not to sell these people short. It may be speculation and I hate to coin a phrase but the legislation is right on the money and makes a lot of cents. Finally, we can tell the bankers to buck off!

www.pundamania.com

The ‘reign in Spain'

Now that the Spanish have won the World Cup you might say that the ‘reign in Spain falls mainly on the playin’... After the big win over the Netherlands, Spanish team captain Iker Casillas was seen arguing with his girlfriend – good thing he didn’t soccer ... Meanwhile, the losing teams returned to their countries – the Netherlands’ team is in a lot of Dutch, the Chileans had a Chile fan reception, the Italians were seen as pasta their primes and the Germans have lived the last of their nein lives.

BP spokesperson, Willie Slick, commenting on his company's reaction to the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, said, "BP has a well-oiled response team that is pumped up to be dealing with this crisis. So please don't muddy the waters in trying to criticize our response to this crisis." Slick had to leave the interview to take a leak.www.pundamania.com

Pundamania Wave Officially Unleashed!

Welcome to my website based on my new book "The Misfortune 500:Pundamania" - a hilarious, side-splitting, tongue-in-cheek insight into the worlds of business and entertainment! I am most pleased and excited to introduce you to my blog - intended to be a safe haven for pundamaniacs around the world. Our mission is simple - to interpret the world in ways that only a true pundamaniac can understand and to laugh, laugh and laugh even more. First there was ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and now there's PAM (Pundamania Attention Madness) - with no known cure! Enjoy and feel free to let your creative pundamania juices flow freely!


Looking forward to your pun-ishing comments and to unleashing a new, huge pundamaniac craze onto the world!

Your Chief Pundamaniac - Rob