Philip Morris Might Sue Australian Government

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is seriously considering suing the Australian government over its plans to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes. Philip Morris CEO, Nick O. Teen, the hardened executive who recently received a plaque for sticking to his principles, commented that, "I wish that the Australian government would butt out of our business. I will tar and feather any government official who pipes up with this crap and stokes the public's fears. These guys seem to be addicted to controversy but, in the end, their efforts will go to pot." Australian government official, Cecilia Ashe-Trey, sitting on her Chesterfield at home in her town of Newport was looking kind of Kool as she said, "Teen should filter his comments before he lights up with such burning rhetoric. Tobacco industry executives tend to be dirty Player's and cancers on society that get me smoking mad. I was thinking of patching things up with him but, after his comments - close but no cigar. What a drag." Philip Morris is anticipating that there's a Virginia Slims chance that its workers will go on a rotating Lucky Strike at its Kent, Salem and Winston plants,  which could cast a Pall Mall over its situation with the Australian government - causing the company to lose its ad-Vantage.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Heavy Metals Contaminate Many Cosmetics Products

A Canadian environmental group, Environmental Defence, claims that many toxic heavy metals are in makeup products. When asked why Health Canada doesn't ban these heavy metals from makeup brands, Environmental Defence spokesperson, Seth Fora, angrily claimed that "Health Canada officials have glossed over our research and have only paid lip service to the results. At first blush, we thought that they would take action but they have a toxic culture with cheeky managers who deserve forty lashes each for doing nothing. I don't like the makeup of these managers who don't apply themselves very well and seem to be concealing serious blemishes in the way that they operate." Health Canada spokeswoman, May Bleen, from Baton Rouge, responded, "These Environmental Defence people better brush up on their facts because there's cracks in their foundation. Health Canada managers are well-polished individuals who have made more than cosmetic changes to industry regulations. We give regular Cliniques in how we operate but Environmental Defence employees seem to Revlon in our misery - well, we intend to Estée the course. I wish they would all go take a powder." 

http://www.pundamania.com/

French Mayor Throws Out Busty Statue

The mayor of the French city Neuville-en-Ferrain, Louis C. Cup, has thrown out a statue of French Revolution icon Marianne because its breasts were too big. Feminist Areola Bone was outraged, saying, "The Mayor has failed to keep abreast of developments in the feminist movement and he clearly wants to have his pound of flesh. What a boob he is - he's trying to revive his sagging fortunes but his latest move will be a big bust. Our city is going tits up and he's trying to milk this statue issue for all he can. Well, I'm not too fondle of Mayor Cup right now and I plan to nip this one in the bud immediately. If he doesn't back down, I hope he understands that all of us will not forget this come election time - we have long mammaries." Mayor Cup responded by saying that, "I refuse to take Bone apart and start a revolution over this matter. While she's beating her breasts over the removal of the statue I've decided to make a clean breast of it and tell the truth. I refuse to go tit for tat with her because the truth is I've had my hands full with this statue's big breasts for a long time." Bone replied, "The Mayor is not my D-Cup of tea."

http://www.pundamania.com/

Energizer Kicks Off New Marketing Campaign

The Energizer Battery Company has changed its renowned "Keep going" tagline to a more green message "Now that's positiveenergy." The Energizer Bunny will be maintained as a source of positive energy. Energizer Vice-President of R&D, Al Kaline, delivered the news at a press conference. Journalist Constance Coulomb criticized Kaline's presentation, "I came to this press conference feeling really charged but my positive energy turned negative because Kaline's presentation style is re-volting. The whole crowd was Everready for some big news but the positive energy quickly turned negative. There was a current of hope that Kaline would convert the electric atmosphere in the room into an unforgettable evening but his soft-cell approach didn't work. I came into this press conference wired but I have to now leave and re-charge." Kaline, a Copper Top red-head who has recently been accused of assault-and-battery, has a wife Bunny who drives a Volkswagen Rabbit. He responded, "I came within a hare of succeeding and it really Bugs me that Coulomb gave my presentation a D when I thought that it warranted at least a C (if not an AA or AAA)". When asked why she ranked Kaline's presentation so poorly, Coulomb responded, "Because it keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going.........."