Sara Lee And Kraft Foods in Hotdog Dispute

Sara Lee Corp. is suing Kraft Foods Inc. over an alleged misleading advertising campaign for its Oscar Mayer Wieners. Sara Lee contends that Kraft is deceiving customers with the claim that its hotdogs are pure beef and that the company is also lying about taste-test results. Kraft official Lionel Beefeater, a Hebrew National from Israel, commented that, "To be quite frank, the Sara Lee claim simply doesn't cut the mustard. While their lawyers are taking their beef to court, the preliminary reaction from the judges has been very chilli. I'd like to get to the meat of this matter because I relish the opportunity to beat them as they will never ketchup to us in the marketplace." Sara Lee legal representative, Jacqueline Sauer-Kraut, from Michigan, countered, "That little wiener, Lionel Beefeater, is trying to hot dog it for the judges in this case. The fact is that the judges will peel the onion one layer at a time and find that the Kraft case is full of baloney. I'm red hot mad over this lawsuit and all steamed up over these false allegations." Insiders believe that the lawsuit could be worth tens of millions of dollars but many caution this is merely a ballpark estimate.

Pfizer Wins Viagra Lawsuit

Pfizer Inc. won a patent infringement case against Teva Pharmaceutical Industries Ltd., preventing Teva from launching a generic version of Viagra. Pfizer President, the dysfunctional Zeke Hardin-Balle, stated, "We stood erect in our determination to win this case. At first we took a soft stance with respect to Teva, but we hardened our position that spermitted us to win this case. The Teva legal team tried to penetrate our defence arguments with a steady flow of diatribe but, to our lawyers' credit, they resisted because they had balls of steel. Teva's lawyers tended to mouth off frequently and, quite frankly, this strategy really sucked." Teva lawyer, the up-and-coming Stan C. Mann, admitted that "we took quite a licking but I've got to hand it to them, they won." Journalist Pete Cummings believes that Pfizer President Hardin-Balle likes to be on top and totally dominate the competition. Mann disagreed, calling Hardin-Balle "a little squirt". In the end, Pfizer won on the basis of hard evidence and a well-lubricated team of lawyers whose arguments were strokes of genius.

French Actor Accused of Urinating on Plane

French actor Gérard Depardieu has been accused by a fellow passenger of urinating on a Paris-Dublin flight before takeoff. The airline has been identified as Trans-Incontinence Airlines (TIA). TIA spokesperson, Itsa Pisov, a whiz-kid who has risen from the bowels of the organization to her current position, commented that, "This situation has obviously caught us with our pants down. We know that Depardieu was flying to Dublin to visit his long-time friend, American singer Urethra Franklin. He was peed off when the crew asked him to remain seated during takeoff. He refused to sit down and what happened next Depends on who you talk to. TIA Attends-ant Di. A. Rhea told us that she saw Depardieu start to urinate in the aisle and so she issued a standard Code Yellow. However, passenger Pee Wee Long said that, "All Depardieu decided to do was to go with flow."" TIA, suffering from a poor earnings stream of late, believes that Depardieu needs to do some time in the French penile system and lie in judgment of a French prostate. Pisov, climbing the bladder of success at the airline, commented, "On this issue, either urine or you're out. Talking to Depardieu was like pissing into the wind." Many feel that any charges laid against the French actor are likely to be discharged. 

S&P Reacts Poorly To Google's Plan To Buy Motorola

Standard & Poor’s Equity Research analyst Helen Down-Grady is advising investors to sell Google’s stock because its plan to buy Motorola Mobility implies “greater risk to the company and stock". Down-Grady said, "There's a negative Buzz in the financial markets that Google hasn't sufficiently applied rigorous financial Analytics to this deal and thus I feel that investors will iGoogle with lots of skepticism. There's much negative Talk out there that, as Google Maps out its takeover strategy, it better not have its head in the clouds. Google management has woven a tangled web as it tries to search for ways to grow the company - this deal Ads up to a lot of trouble. As a result, I recommend that S&P downgrade Google's credit rating from AAA to Google+". Google spokesperson Anne Droid shot back that, "S&P is feeding the market a download of crap and that they will turn the Page once they see that investors will Brin with confidence. We didn't just Xoom into this deal with Motorola - that's not our modem of working. We will fight S&P with Bluetooth and nail over this - even if we have to use Brute force in doing so. While Down-Grady thinks that this move will Defy logic, she will see that we have plenty of Atrix up our sleeves."

Apple Passes Exxon Mobil as World's Largest Company

Apple Inc.'s stock rose yesterday 6.1%, giving the company a market capitalization of almost $350 billion - and surpassing Exxon Mobil Corp. as the world's largest business by market value. Exxon spokesperson Derrick van Diesel immediately commented, "We believe that Apple is iPadding their numbers - resulting in iPhone-y financial results. Their heads are in the iClouds and we have every reason to believe that they're cooking their MacBooks. Apple is out of iTune with the financial markets although I admit that, when growing our companies, we're two peas in an iPod." Apple Vice-President Freda Apps countered, "Van Diesel must have been passing gas when he made his last-gas effort to discredit us. He's only pouring oil on troubled waters by making such fuel-ish comments. I don't have the energy to deal with all of this - Exxon managers need to get the lead out of their feet." Exxon could regain their #1 position in a nano-second if the Board agrees to a management shuffle and hires Fil R. Upp as the new CEO - a woman with a classic Midas touch.

Advanced Prosthetics Work Like They're Real

The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is funding a research project by Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas to create bionic arms and legs that would receive signals from the users' minds. DARPA spokesperson Shaka Legg commented, "We're going out on a limb with this research grant because many within the scientific community are up in arms about what we're trying to accomplish. These scientists don't have a leg to stand on because we're providing a shot in the arm to SMU, whose researchers want to have a leg up on competition. Their research program was on its last legs so our funding has been welcome with open arms. We want to develop a closer relationship with SMU but university officials are keeping us at arm's length for now." A dean at another university, Harry Armbrewster, said, "I'd give my right arm and risk life and limb to secure DARPA's funding. But we'll be patient - after all, I can only put my pants on one leg at a time. In the meantime I hope that DARPA breaks a leg with this research."  Despite looking like he had his tail between his legs, Dean Armbrewster warned that, "We'll be after SMU's funding - forewarned is forearmed."