Sonomax Technologies Inc., the Canadian hearing protection company, is investing in the development of a bionic ear but so far the pleas for cash have fallen on deaf ears. Sonomax co-founder Lowden Clear, obviously a little wet behind the ears, sounded off, "We can really make some noise in the marketplace with a bionic ear and any investment would be sound as a dollar. For crying out loud, it's discouraging that investors have turned a deaf ear." Clear, never someone to play it by ear, is trying to stirrup some action within the investment community with a plug for his innovative new product and a positive reaction would be music to his ears. Investor Devon Dum, speaking from his office on Canal Street, responded, "It hertz that Clear thinks that his pitch for this bionic ear has failed but the vibrations coming from me are positive and I'm all ears". Sonomax could face a patent issue with respect to its new technology and is awaiting a hearing.
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The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is investigating Gibson Guitars for the use of illegal wood. U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service spokesperson Casta Lion, said, "We're not looking to string anyone up at Gibson but we're determined to reel anyone in who is engaged in fishy practices. Holy mackerel, the Gibson folks have to get off their perch, stop floundering and halt their nasty habit of baiting us with lies." Gibson President Melody A. Sharp retorted, "The government has picked on us on a scale that has brought a level of dis-chord that has us tuned out. While we're trying to turn a Page, the bass-tards have us on The Edge and are trying to turn Beck the sands of time and Zappa us out of the picture. I wish they'd let us B.B." Sharp, feasting on a meal of T-Bone steak, cherry Garcia ice cream and a Berry concoction, feels that the government's case has Diddley-squat merit to it. If proven guilty over using illegal wood, Sharp could be up a tree and would likely be axed.
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Trying to interview Leonardo DiCaprio last week was an effort in futility. I was scheduled to interview him on The Beach at his home on Revolutionary Road on Shutter Island but this proved to be a Titanic failure. The Inception of this idea for the interview was to question DiCaprio about a Body Of Lies that has arisen about the Growing Pains he experienced during his childhood years (apparently, DiCaprio didn’t experience the best that Parenthood has to offer). While my interview request was made at The 11th Hour, Dicaprio never showed up. It’s easier to land an interview with The Gangs of New York to discuss their Basketball Diaries than it is to talk with the famous actor. DiCaprio was seen flying off the island. The Aviator seemed to look back at me and say, “Catch Me If You Can”. And so I waved goodbye to The Departed.
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The following letters were recently auctioned off for one million dollars by the combined estates of the Beatles:
Hey Jude,
I know you’re cheating and so you have made my life Helter Skelter. All your affairs with Sexy Sadie, Long Tall Sally, Penny Lane, Lovely Rita, that Dear Prudence, Lady Madonna, Eleanor Rigby and that dreadful
Lucie in the Sky with Diamonds have made me go for Help. I became suicidal, thinking that Happiness is a Warm Gun and I dreamt of drifting into Golden Slumbers. But Do You Want To Know A Secret? I’ve followed the Long and Winding Road and I’m no longer the Fool on the Hill. Here Comes the Sun and I Will Follow the Sun.
Dizzy Miss Lizzy
Oh Darling,
Get Back! I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Please Let It Be and let’s Come Together. I Should Have Known Better and I know that This Boy has to Carry That Weight. You too have had your affairs with that
Mean Mr. Mustard, the Taxman and that Paperback Writer and you surely enjoyed Maxwell’s Silver Hammer in the Norwegian Wood. I have become a Nowhere Man. I am a Loser. I’m Down. I’ve become so delusional that I told my psychologist that I am the Walrus Back in the U.S.S.R. But I know that I’ve Got to Get You Into My Life. Your Mother Should Know that You Really Got a Hold on Me and that I’m Happy Just to Dance With You. I Should Have Known Better but We Can Work it Out With a Little Help From My Friends. Love Me Do.
From Me to You.
Jude
Hey Jude,
If you agree to Act Naturally Eight Days a Week I’ve Got a Feeling, In Spite All the Danger, that to rehabilitate, All You Need is Love. I’ve Got a Feeling that You’ll Be Mine but You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away. I know that your affairs happened Yesterday and I believe that All Things Must Pass. So buy a Ticket To Ride on the Yellow Submarine and let’s start Something new. Don’t Let Me Down otherwise You’re Going to Lose That Girl.
All My Loving,
Lizzie
The one million dollar sales price will likely start a Revolution.
(More excerpts from famous musicians' diaries and letters - Pundamania style- in The Misfortune 500: Pundamania™. Buy the book. Have a puntastic laugh!)
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Simon and Garfunkel, in the classic song Mrs. Robinson, ask the now-famous question "Where have you gone Joe Dimaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you?" Is there no such thing any more as a sports hero? Tiger Woods used to fly like an eagle but has ended up in a hole (actually in many of them!). Tiger's hyperactive putter and flying balls have landed him in a trap and made him out to a bogey-man. What a putts! Lebron James used to be perceived as a cavalier gentleman but is now taking the heat for being such a basket case. His contract with Cleveland should have been a slam dunk but, in signing with Miami, his reputation has taken a hit in the court of public opinion. What dribble drabble! Alex Rodriguez used to be known as A-Rod; now he's known as A-Fraud. Rodriguez is now the prime candidate to be inducted into the Hall of Shame; certainly not the Hall of Fame. What a knuckler-head! And what's up with Brett Favre? Training camp begins and you think, 'so Favre, so good'. Then he takes a pass and retires. He fumbles his words as he talks to the press but seems to get a kick out of it all. What a sad sack! A Favre cry from the good old days.
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The Running Room and Weight Watchers International have recently formed a marketing alliance to promote a healthier lifestyle. Running Room Vice-President and Board member of Sprint USA, the run-of-the-mill Mada Dash, issued the following statement: “This was a marathon negotiation session and, in the end, we ran circles around the Weight Watchers people. When the talks began, we were off and running and we were able to set the pace. It was a race against time but, in the long run, we made some great strides”. Weight Watchers Vice-President, Legal Affairs, Belle E. O’Bese, said, “I’m glad that the negotiations are over – this is a big weight off my shoulders. Personally I found Dash hard to stomach but, nevertheless, I feel that we came out on top – we ate them for breakfast! They came to chew the fat but we swallowed our pride, got heavy-handed and devoured them.” Both women appeared to be plumped-up during the negotiations. Employees involved in the joint venture will be paid above scale.
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Instead of steering us in the wrong direction, President Obama auto be telling it like it is with respect to the recent bailouts of GM and Chrysler. The President of Chrysler, Vinny Viper, should be told, "You're a Jeep son-of-a-bitch who is of a low Caliber who tried to Ram your pity story down our throats while taking the American public on a ride on this pathetic Journey". The President of General Motors, Bernat LaCrosse, who was on a trip from Malibu to Colorado during the spring Equinox, should be told, "I can't Hummer the point home enough that we all get bad Vibes from you because your senior managers are all a bunch of double-LaCrossers". However, the President of Ford, Mustang Shelby, who refused any bailout money, should be told, "Take your management team on a Fiesta for a well-earned Escape. Thank them for their Super Duty to the American public. They have Focus, an Edge over competition and they were able to Flex their muscles and refuse to grovel".
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