Domtar Inc., the paper producer, has announced that it has purchased Attends Healthcare Inc., the maker of incontinence undergarments, for $315 million in cash. Domtar Chief Executive Officer, P.P. Bowles, speaking at the Incontinence Hotel, made this announcement: "We believe that this acquisition will increase our earnings stream and enhance our cash flow. It will help shore up our recent piss-poor stock performance and help restore employee morale, which has been in the dumps of late. We will absorb Attends Healthcare into our company for a brief period of time and their employees will occupy offices that have long been void."
Critic Jimmy Tinkler, a financial whiz kid, commented that, "Bowles had a strong urge to get this deal done quickly, fearing that word would leak out to competition. While Bowles pads the company's revenues with this deal, he leaves his salespeople on guards. He obviously likes the Attends acquisition but, as I told him when I saw him, "That's urinalysis and not mine." This acquisition is obviously no accident but will it generate long-term profits? All I can say is - It Depends."