Disney Revamping its Stores

Disney has decided to pump lots of money into revamping its 365 retail outlets over the next five years. In light of recent trends towards online sales, reaction to this bricks-and-mortar investment varies. Comments are:

- "The Disney folks are Lightyears ahead in creating a Buzz about their stores".
- "This is a Goofy, Mickey Mouse move that is nothing but a Minnie-disaster".
- "The Beasts at Disney have finally answered the Belle when the Chips are down - what a Beauty-ful move".
- "I hate to burst their Bubbles, but these management Squirts at Disney will never increase their cash Flo
    with this move that does nothing but Crush the company's investors. I can't take it anyNemo".
- "When I first heard the news I hit the Flora but now I'm kind of Fauna of a bold move by these Sleeping   
    Beauties at Disney".
- "I was at Wendy's when I heard this news and I wish that investors would give The Lost Boys at Disney
    the Hook for Tinkering with this dumbo idea".
- "At first I was Grumpy but then I was Happy to see the Sleepy, Dopey and Bashful directors at Disney
    do something that will Dwarf anything that they've ever done before".

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Energy Crisis is Here

Energy economist Peter Tertzakian is warning that "we are approaching a "break point" where no major energy source is simultaneously cheap, secure and clean".  Three Department of Energy officials, the well-oiled Mohammed O. Peck, the radiant Cher Noble and the fuelish Olive Oyle, hosted a meeting of energy companies and reported that, "The nuclear industry, after the Fukushima situation, when informed of the mounting opposition to nuclear energy, had a meltdown. They believe that they have the nucleus of a strong team that, in the days ahead, will clear up much of the con-fusion concerning this explosive situation. The well-drilled oil industry officials were quite pumped at the start of the meeting but didn't seem to have a lot of energy in reserve towards the end. The natural gas industry has developed a new slogan - "We shale overcome". The wind energy representatives were blowing a lot of hot air and seemed to be going around in circles - this took a lot of wind out of their sails. The Solar energy people were hot under the collar and felt burnt when they weren't supported by the solar panel at the meeting - solar energy is clearly a hard cell. For peat's sake, fossil industry officials were given the coal shoulder and were on the rocks after their presentation seemed to bog down and so was perceived to be the pits". In general, the meeting was full of noise pollution and didn't generate any electricity among participants.

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Grammys Reduce Number of Categories

Organizers for the Grammys announced that they are reducing the number of categories from 109 to 78. Music industry observer Carrie Solo, suffering from a slipped disk, said, "I want to take note and go on record to say that this decision is music to my ears. I've been working the music beat for a long time and it's a good decision to scale down the number of categories. In the past, I've been quite vocal about this issue and so I feel instrumental in influencing the decision-makers to change their tune. In the past, I gave the Grammys managers a bad rap because I haven't been in a-chord with their policies but I've now taken note of the decision that they have just orchestrated". Not everyone agrees with the decision. Critic Al Bum, who just returned from being out of the country but looking all jazzed up in his new clothes, countered, "This decision doesn't represent the gospel truth - it's a response to a choir of fans who were singing the blues about the length of the Grammys show. This is a classical mistake made by a bunch of oldies who were caught between a hard rock and a hardplace". A composed Solo commented that, "I'd like to pop Bum good and polka one of his eyes out but this would only test his metal and would represent my swan song".
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Frito-Lay Products Going All Natural

Frito-Lay, the world's largest manufacturer of snack foods, has announced that half of its snacks will be made from all natural ingredients. Some nutritionists are skeptical, including Miss Stacy Vickies from Cape Cod, who said, "Frito-Lay is trying to take a bigger bite of the market and bag some more sales but, when the chips are down and sales take a dip, management will give in and live off the trans-fat of the land". Frito-Lay President Chesters Spitz, a Cracker Jack of a man who is Wise beyond his years responded, "Miss Vickies is a real Utz who Ruffles our feathers all the time and is trying to rub salt into our wounds. She's an ex-employee who could never get the Lays of the land at our company and who is now trying to cashew in all this publicity. Her response is Classic and I cheddar to think what she'll say next. Well, I'd like to tell Miss Vickies that, in this battle, let the chips fall where they may and it ain't over until the trans-fat lady sings". Spitz, considered to be the salt of the earth and a man that lives in a high snack bracket, concedes that Frito-Lay is trying to play ketchup in the all natural market segment but feels that Frito Lay's new move is a Classic strategy that will pay off when the chips are down.

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World's Coral Reefs in Danger

A report issued by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, called the Reefs at Risk Revisited report, is causing controversy. Critic Debbie Salmon, a well-eeled woman from Finland, said, "As soon as this report was issued, I smelt a rat. I hate to keep carping on it but this report is a red herring that's taking quite atoll on me. The report's author, Charlie C. Bass, who works for the U.S. Sturgeon General, is not in tuna with the times and I wish that he would just clam up". Bass, in a crabby mood because he had been sitting in traffic on the turn-pike, responded, "Holy mackerel, I hate to carp on it, but Salmon is floundering and I'd like to just snapper in two. Quite frankly, I have bigger fish to fry than deal with this fish out of water whose critique smells fishy to me. Well I wish that she'd fish or cut bait rather than continue to make waves". As moray and moray evidence accumulates, it seems that the world's coral reefs are not o.cay and that people like Salmon are a Great Barrier to dealing with this whale of an issue.

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Hairy Penises Lost in Evolution

A research study co-led by the Stanford University School of Medicine suggests that, in human males, the hairy penis was lost in the evolutionary process. Prominent critic of the research, the hardened Mr. Beau Jobs, an accomplished organ player, commented, "This research sucks and is a big blow to evolutionary research. I hate to mouth off but these researchers are so cock-sure of themselves that they don't realize that they have hosed us. I absolutely hate when scientists dick around with the facts and give us the shaft. The Stanford researchers had their balls to the wall in this research project and they now have brass balls in trying to sell us findings that should be put in mothballs". Stanford scientist Harry Balles, a former seaman and up-and-comer at the university, reacted by saying, "I stand erect in support of this research, which is the climax of years of hard work. If Jobs feels stiffed then he should withdraw from making any comments." Clearly, the thrust of Jobs' argument has not penetrated Balles' thoughts concerning distinguishing between right and dong.   www.pundamania.com

World-Class Smellers Acquire Sense of Smell

French scientists have discovered that those who have super smelling abilities are not born with a superior sense of smell but acquire it through years of professional sniffing. British scientist Ari O. Ma disputed the claim, stating that, "These French claims stink of French snobbery and I smell a rat. The French perfume industry has paid through the nose for this research and they must face the mucus and admit their obvious biases". French scientist Jean-Claude Odoré responded by saying that, "I don't know why Ma has his nose out of joint but something smells fishy here. Our research results are as clear as the nose on his face and so I wish that he'd keep his nose out of my business. We put our noses to the grindstone, nosed around quite a bit, followed our noses and took a hard-nosed approach to this project. Look, it's no skin off my nose to tell Ma to take a breather and wake up and smell the coffee". American scientist T. Nose Pickens thinks that, in criticizing this research, Ma is cutting off his nose to spite his face.   www.pundamania.com