Energizer Kicks Off New Marketing Campaign

The Energizer Battery Company has changed its renowned "Keep going" tagline to a more green message "Now that's positiveenergy." The Energizer Bunny will be maintained as a source of positive energy. Energizer Vice-President of R&D, Al Kaline, delivered the news at a press conference. Journalist Constance Coulomb criticized Kaline's presentation, "I came to this press conference feeling really charged but my positive energy turned negative because Kaline's presentation style is re-volting. The whole crowd was Everready for some big news but the positive energy quickly turned negative. There was a current of hope that Kaline would convert the electric atmosphere in the room into an unforgettable evening but his soft-cell approach didn't work. I came into this press conference wired but I have to now leave and re-charge." Kaline, a Copper Top red-head who has recently been accused of assault-and-battery, has a wife Bunny who drives a Volkswagen Rabbit. He responded, "I came within a hare of succeeding and it really Bugs me that Coulomb gave my presentation a D when I thought that it warranted at least a C (if not an AA or AAA)". When asked why she ranked Kaline's presentation so poorly, Coulomb responded, "Because it keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going and keeps going.........."

Paul McCartney to Marry For the Third Time

Former Beatle Paul McCartney is engaged to New York businesswoman Nancy Shevell. McCartney issued this statement: "Since my last marriage, it's been The Long and Winding Road but I felt like a Fool on the Hill until I Saw Her Standing There. Yesterday, I finally awoke from my Golden Slumbers, thought of Nancy and I realized that I wanted to give her All My Loving and that the Two of Us can't wait Another Day and, With a Little Luck, we'll be singing Silly Love Songs to each other Every Night. Last year, Back in the U.S.S.R., we had a fight but I knew We Can Work It Out because She's A Woman And I love Her. That trip was Helter Skelter but I asked her to Hold Me Tight and that I Got to Get You Into My Life. We then took a Jet as we had to Get Back home because I proposed to her and I told her, 'Oh! Darling, Your Mother Should Know'. Maybe I'm Amazed but her father told me to marry her right away and I was inclined to Listen to What the Man Said.  The wedding will be in a church on Penny Lane and the bridesmaids will be Eleanor Rigby, Michelle, Lady Madonna and Mrs. Vanderbilt and my best men will be Uncle Albert and Admiral Halsey. With Wings beneath my sails, I Say Say Say to my dearest Nancy, 'My Love, despite My Lovely Linda, there was nobody Till There was You and I'll Follow the Sun to your doorstep'. McCartney looked a little dis-Shevelled when he announced his engagement but, for now, I'll just Let It Be.

http://www.pundamaniac.com/

Why Won't The Montreal Canadiens Get Bigger?

I was at the Darché de l’Ouest on the west Island, eating at a Price-y restaurant where I was dining on fried Cammalleri, baby back Ribeiros and, for some dessert, homemade apple Pyatt. It was raining cats and Dawes and I was Muller-ing over the Canadiens being Shutt out of the playoffs once again with my friend, an auto Plekanec who was Pearn-ing mad about the Habs’ playoff woes. When I was young, the Habs really Groulx on me and I was very Keane on Nos Glorieux. That’s why it Burns me up that the Canadiens have become playoff door Mats – it’s a Travis-ty that makes me Moen in pain. Great Scott, I’m at a Lars for words because it seems so black and White to me that the Canadiens continue to Toe the line and a-Boyd going after guys with Max-imum size. I feel Souray that  management doesn’t get Lapointe that, in order to Gainey Moore points in the regular season, and to make sure they won’t be Lach-ed out of going further in the palyoffs, they have to get off their Duffs , Knuckles down and get bigger! Maybe The Team 990 can answer the Bell and start a Forum to ask Geoff Molson to put on a Jacques-strap and Saku the current management team – it would send one Houle of a message to us rabid Habs fans!

http://www.pundamania.com/

Will the Pundamaniac Ever Get To Fenway Park in Boston?

The Pundamaniac is desperate to visit Fenway Park in Boston to see the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, I entered a contest with the following:



Why should I win this contest? Let me tell you my story (I hope I won’t Boggs you down in the details). I remember the good old days, when I’d watch the McGuire Sisters on TV, listed to Connie Francis and Tony Bennett records, read plays penned by the famous Bard and travel to exotic places like Okajima, Japan or the Magadan Islands. Recently, however, I developed Cronin’s disease and it seems I Drew the short end of the stick with my luck. To be quite Francona with you, I recently met a woman who’s a real diamond in the rough, but I can’t get to first base with her. She’s quite a Foxx, a Pesky lady who’s on the ball and who lives a short stop away from me. Being a Doerr and a Wheeler-dealer, I decided to roll the Dice-K and pitch her on the idea of dating me. She seemed to have a heart of Clay because she balked at first and said I was too Young. We finally went out for some Lester’s smoked meat, Campbell’s Soup and pasta with Marinaro sauce and saw the movie All That Yaz; but it was clear that she was out to either torment Ortiz me. We talked about environmental issues but she said I was boring and called me a Green Monster. She said I was a son-of-a-Mitch and I bore the Brunt of her jokes the rest of the evening. She called me too Fisky, didn’t like my point of Bews and said that I had a Lackey of confidence. Thus, you see why I need to win this contest – she has Lefty me in the dark and I need my sense of Manny-hood back and I need to exorcise my Damons. Good luck to the Habs in the Yawkey playoffs!


Will the Pundamaniac ever make it to Fenway Park in Boston??????????????????

http://www.pundamania.com/

Coke Claims Its Cans Are Safe

The Coca-Cola Company has come under fire for using Bisphenol-A (BPA), a potentially dangerous chemical, to coat the inside of its soft drink cans. Coca-Cola spokesperson Bev A. Rajh, a can-do, can-can dancer from Cannes, argued that the company's cans are safe and stated that, "A group of five investors has opened up a can of worms and I'll can any employee of the company who agrees with them". Rajh, a former Minute Maid who has become a Powerade to Coca-Cola's new President, Drew Topia, continued by stating that, "These five renegade investors have ConFuzed the public and are Barqing up the wrong tree with a Fanta-stic story that, as far as I'm concerned, amounts to Zero - well, they're not my cup of Nestea". Rajh, who is on a Diet and often bottles up her emotions, might see her strength fizz out as investors drink in all the publicity they've been receiving. President Topia, a Sprite kind of man with a Fresca view on matters, concluded by saying, "Rather than try to fight these five investors to the death I'd rather talk to the Five Alive".

http://www.pundamania.com/

Royal Wedding Dilemma

My Lord, this isn't a Noble gesture on my part but you can Count on me to Duke it out with my wife on April 27 for control of the TV during the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. I vow not to watch the wedding so my wife might just crown me with the TV remote but, my home is my castle, and, by George, her actions will ring hollow with me. Right now I'm not an Abbey camper and I don't have any Earls of wisdom to offer and, for the time being, I might be down for the Viscount, but I am a well-groomed man who never Wales and is determined to watch what I want on my Philips TV. There is a to-Di-for King of Queens marathon on at the same time and I am determined to watch it - there's no Middleton ground in this matter.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Online Gambling Sites Indicted by US Attorney

Three Internet gambling companies have been accused by the US Attorney in Manhattan of committing crimes such as bank fraud, money laundering and illegal gambling. Representatives of the three companies, Cassie Noh, the black Jack King of Queens and Lou (Texas) Holdem, vehemently denied the charges. They issued the following statement: "The US Attorney is an Ace-hole and a high roller who wants a showdown with us because he'll think that we'll fold under the pressure. Well, I've got news for him - we're all studs - three of a kind who won't crack when the chips are down. He can up the ante on us all he wants but he won't stack up to us because we realize that there's a lot at stake". The US Attorney, Jack Pott, a poker-faced high roller with a blue chip list of clients, declared, "If the three of them think that I'm a wild card who's isn't serious about pursuing this indictment then let them call my bluff. My ace in the hole is that we are royal flush with cash and so are prepared for a long fight".  Pott, a cut-above the average public attorney who has recently survived a management shuffle, is holding his cards close to his vest with respect to his next move. Pott bid farewell to me and made it quite clear that this case is a big deal to him.

http://www.pundamania.com/