S&P Reacts Poorly To Google's Plan To Buy Motorola

Standard & Poor’s Equity Research analyst Helen Down-Grady is advising investors to sell Google’s stock because its plan to buy Motorola Mobility implies “greater risk to the company and stock". Down-Grady said, "There's a negative Buzz in the financial markets that Google hasn't sufficiently applied rigorous financial Analytics to this deal and thus I feel that investors will iGoogle with lots of skepticism. There's much negative Talk out there that, as Google Maps out its takeover strategy, it better not have its head in the clouds. Google management has woven a tangled web as it tries to search for ways to grow the company - this deal Ads up to a lot of trouble. As a result, I recommend that S&P downgrade Google's credit rating from AAA to Google+". Google spokesperson Anne Droid shot back that, "S&P is feeding the market a download of crap and that they will turn the Page once they see that investors will Brin with confidence. We didn't just Xoom into this deal with Motorola - that's not our modem of working. We will fight S&P with Bluetooth and nail over this - even if we have to use Brute force in doing so. While Down-Grady thinks that this move will Defy logic, she will see that we have plenty of Atrix up our sleeves."

Apple Passes Exxon Mobil as World's Largest Company

Apple Inc.'s stock rose yesterday 6.1%, giving the company a market capitalization of almost $350 billion - and surpassing Exxon Mobil Corp. as the world's largest business by market value. Exxon spokesperson Derrick van Diesel immediately commented, "We believe that Apple is iPadding their numbers - resulting in iPhone-y financial results. Their heads are in the iClouds and we have every reason to believe that they're cooking their MacBooks. Apple is out of iTune with the financial markets although I admit that, when growing our companies, we're two peas in an iPod." Apple Vice-President Freda Apps countered, "Van Diesel must have been passing gas when he made his last-gas effort to discredit us. He's only pouring oil on troubled waters by making such fuel-ish comments. I don't have the energy to deal with all of this - Exxon managers need to get the lead out of their feet." Exxon could regain their #1 position in a nano-second if the Board agrees to a management shuffle and hires Fil R. Upp as the new CEO - a woman with a classic Midas touch.

Advanced Prosthetics Work Like They're Real

The US Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is funding a research project by Southern Methodist University (SMU) in Dallas to create bionic arms and legs that would receive signals from the users' minds. DARPA spokesperson Shaka Legg commented, "We're going out on a limb with this research grant because many within the scientific community are up in arms about what we're trying to accomplish. These scientists don't have a leg to stand on because we're providing a shot in the arm to SMU, whose researchers want to have a leg up on competition. Their research program was on its last legs so our funding has been welcome with open arms. We want to develop a closer relationship with SMU but university officials are keeping us at arm's length for now." A dean at another university, Harry Armbrewster, said, "I'd give my right arm and risk life and limb to secure DARPA's funding. But we'll be patient - after all, I can only put my pants on one leg at a time. In the meantime I hope that DARPA breaks a leg with this research."  Despite looking like he had his tail between his legs, Dean Armbrewster warned that, "We'll be after SMU's funding - forewarned is forearmed."

Lady Gaga Nominated for Five Emmy Awards

Lady Gaga's HBO concert event, “Lady Gaga Presents the Monster Ball Tour: at Madison Square Garden,” has received 5 Emmy Award nominations. When asked to comment, Lady Gaga, suffering from a high Fever, said, "Hello Hello. I'm So Happy I Could Die! It was Unfathomable to me that I received the nomination but I was Ready for this and there’s No Way that Words can express how Wonderful I feel. An Earthquake won’t keep me away from the Emmy Awards show because I’m One singer, albeit a Super Star and a Beautiful, Dirty, Rich one, who’s an Optimist who feels like I’m Ready to win.” At first, Lady Gaga admitted that she was Speechless when she heard the news but she was soon able to Scream Aloud when she received the Wonderful Telephone call. An Emmy win could mean a lot of Money Honey for the Glamour Zombie and party Animal. After the show, the Perfect Lady Gaga might have to Runaway from the Paparazzi who will be Out of Control in a publicity feeding frenzy. Lady Gaga finished by saying, “Oh Well, there’s Nothing Else I Can Say. I’m used to Living On The Radio but now I’ll be on TV where I will get some Justice for being the Greatest performer ever. If they Don’t Call My Name I’ll need Someone To Save Me as my Vanity will go Kaboom from all the bad Ink that those Monster critics will waste on me. I’ll need to be Sedated until I Hear Them no longer otherwise I’m likely to Blackout.” There’s No Way that the Pundamaniac can Imagine that Lady Gaga could lose – it would leave this Silly Boy a Chillin’ feeling - Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say).

Philip Morris Might Sue Australian Government

Tobacco giant Philip Morris is seriously considering suing the Australian government over its plans to introduce plain, brand-less packaging for cigarettes. Philip Morris CEO, Nick O. Teen, the hardened executive who recently received a plaque for sticking to his principles, commented that, "I wish that the Australian government would butt out of our business. I will tar and feather any government official who pipes up with this crap and stokes the public's fears. These guys seem to be addicted to controversy but, in the end, their efforts will go to pot." Australian government official, Cecilia Ashe-Trey, sitting on her Chesterfield at home in her town of Newport was looking kind of Kool as she said, "Teen should filter his comments before he lights up with such burning rhetoric. Tobacco industry executives tend to be dirty Player's and cancers on society that get me smoking mad. I was thinking of patching things up with him but, after his comments - close but no cigar. What a drag." Philip Morris is anticipating that there's a Virginia Slims chance that its workers will go on a rotating Lucky Strike at its Kent, Salem and Winston plants,  which could cast a Pall Mall over its situation with the Australian government - causing the company to lose its ad-Vantage.

http://www.pundamania.com/

Heavy Metals Contaminate Many Cosmetics Products

A Canadian environmental group, Environmental Defence, claims that many toxic heavy metals are in makeup products. When asked why Health Canada doesn't ban these heavy metals from makeup brands, Environmental Defence spokesperson, Seth Fora, angrily claimed that "Health Canada officials have glossed over our research and have only paid lip service to the results. At first blush, we thought that they would take action but they have a toxic culture with cheeky managers who deserve forty lashes each for doing nothing. I don't like the makeup of these managers who don't apply themselves very well and seem to be concealing serious blemishes in the way that they operate." Health Canada spokeswoman, May Bleen, from Baton Rouge, responded, "These Environmental Defence people better brush up on their facts because there's cracks in their foundation. Health Canada managers are well-polished individuals who have made more than cosmetic changes to industry regulations. We give regular Cliniques in how we operate but Environmental Defence employees seem to Revlon in our misery - well, we intend to Estée the course. I wish they would all go take a powder." 

http://www.pundamania.com/

French Mayor Throws Out Busty Statue

The mayor of the French city Neuville-en-Ferrain, Louis C. Cup, has thrown out a statue of French Revolution icon Marianne because its breasts were too big. Feminist Areola Bone was outraged, saying, "The Mayor has failed to keep abreast of developments in the feminist movement and he clearly wants to have his pound of flesh. What a boob he is - he's trying to revive his sagging fortunes but his latest move will be a big bust. Our city is going tits up and he's trying to milk this statue issue for all he can. Well, I'm not too fondle of Mayor Cup right now and I plan to nip this one in the bud immediately. If he doesn't back down, I hope he understands that all of us will not forget this come election time - we have long mammaries." Mayor Cup responded by saying that, "I refuse to take Bone apart and start a revolution over this matter. While she's beating her breasts over the removal of the statue I've decided to make a clean breast of it and tell the truth. I refuse to go tit for tat with her because the truth is I've had my hands full with this statue's big breasts for a long time." Bone replied, "The Mayor is not my D-Cup of tea."

http://www.pundamania.com/