Dylan Ribkoff, grandson of renowned designer Joseph Ribkoff, has launched an upscale men's underwear line. Retail spokesperson Joy Stick, talking to us over lunch at Long John's, commented, "Personally, I didn't think that Ribkoff had the balls to launch this line of underwear. This is a prickly situation and I'm not sure if this line will fly. Upscale underwear is a stretch and Ribkoff appears to be cock-sure that this new line's life will not be brief. Many retailers think that he is nuts so, in the end, they might end up giving him the shaft". Ribkoff spokesman P.P. Putz, an accomplished boxer who is proud of his manhood, countered, "Joy Stick is being too hard on us and doesn't seem to know the difference between right and thong. We're confident that our package will stick out on retail shelves and will have a big impact. Consumer demand for underwear tends to be elastic and so we will pecker away at our competitors' market shares." Many analysts on Wall Street are optimistic about the new line provided that the company is not jockstrapped for cash. www.pundamania.com
The Canadian Journal of Cardiology has published an article warning that egg yolks have a lot of cholesterol and could be harmful for people at risk of heart attack and stroke. Dick "Rooster" Klegg, spokesperson for the Egg Farmers of Canada stated, "In this case, the Journal has laid an egg and I intend to get cracking and deal with these cock-sure bastards. After I finish with the authors, they will all have egg on their faces as I intend to expose the phony scheme that they have hatched". Author Denise Quayle, who scrambled to catch a bus to be on time for our interview, was obviously walking on eggs when she replied, "Klegg is a hen-pecked idiot who, as far as I'm concerned, can go sit on it. He looks at the dark side of life while I see things as sunnyside up. We looked at many research studies before we published our article because we didn't want to put all our eggs in one basket. Klegg thinks that he has cooked our goose but I caution him not to count his eggs before they're hatched". In egging Quayle on, Klegg has come out of his shell and is no longer chicken to speak his mind. However, Quayle believes that now the chickens are coming home to roost with the exposure of the health risks associated with eating egg yolks. www.pundamania.com
Eternal Vessel, a Victoria, B.C- based company, has a unique business importing decorative urns from Indonesia and Vietnam. However, rumours persist that the four partners, Terry and Vicky Ashe and Karen and Todd Dust, are squabbling. Terry Ashe commented, "We have to stop the in-fighting and bury the hatchet,otherwise corporate urnings will suffer. What started out as some mild disagreements has become a matter of life and death and, if unchecked, will turn into a grave matter that will be a very bad urning point in our relationship. This could be the company's kiss of death". Todd Dust, speaking in the dead of the night, countered, "I can dig the fact that the Ashes want to reconcile but I wish they'd take a powder. I've unearthed their plot to get rid of us and that's quite unacceptable tomb me. I don't want to beat a dead horse but, as far as I'm concerned, their proposal is dead in the water". Consultant Ed Vessel analyzed the situation by saying, "Building this business is a monument to both the Ashes' and Dusts' cremativity. They'll have to urn to better communicate with one another, starting Ashes to Ashes and Dust to Dust".www.pundamania.com
Okanagan Specialty Fruits, a British Columbia biotechnology company, has developed non-browning apples. Critic Ruby Smith, concerned that a gene-modified apple is dangerous, said, "This non-browning apple is the pits and stems from a core of researchers at Okanagan Specialty Fruits who were fruity to begin with". Smith, who was born in the big Apple and who loves to work on McIntosh computers, continued, "I don't want to upset the applecart but this idea is ripe for exploitation by some juiced-up rotten apples who took some seed money and tried to harvest it only for the sake of making a profit. It only takes one rotten apple to spoil the barrel. How do you like them apples?" Ruby's grandmother, Granny Smith, who considers her Delicious grand-daughter to be the apple of her eye, responded, "Ruby is being a little picky. She is a little browned off, sees red and has the blues when she thinks about gene-modified apples. Perhaps she's green with envy but this isn't a black-and-white issue - maybe her past has colored her emotions". I ask my readers, "What cider you on in this matter?"www.pundamania.com
Dentists in southern India have performed root canal on an elephant to rid him of a chronic toothache. Critic Carrie N. Cissor,a citizen of Pachy-stan of Chew-ish origin,who was looking a little long in the tooth, commented, "I will fight tooth and enamel to prevent such procedures from occurring on our elephant friends. These dentists sit in their ivory towers and think that they can continue to do molar and molar of these procedures without brushing up on the realities of operating on animals - well this doesn't resin-ate well with me". Indian dentist Hal E. Tosis, calling on a trunk line from Poachtree, Georgia after having received a plaque honoring him for his dental work with elephants, defended himself by saying, "My work caries a lot of weight within the dental profession and Dumbo critics like Cissor only gum up the works. Those of us who operate on elephants are well-drilled professionals who constantly brush up on our operating procedures - so tusk luck to anyone who tries to criticize our work." Tosis hung up and was off to see a double feature at the local movie theatre -Jaws and Pulp Fiction.www.pundamania.com
Apple Vice-President Rawden Tootha Core announced that the Beatles' entire catalogue is coming to the digital music store iTunes. Core said, "Yesterday, Paul McCartney contacted me and told me that 'I've Got to Get You into My Life'. He said that it was about time that, "We Come Together and that I've Got a Feeling that The Two of Us will Help each other make money" (to the delight of the Taxman). In a private moment Core confessed that, "It's been a Long and Winding Road for me in my career and, With a Little Help From My Friends, It Won't be Long before I'm out of my Misery. My colleagues used to tell me that I'm a Loser and so I've had to Carry That Weight and be in Misery but, Do You Want to Know a Secret?, I remained strong in believing that All Things Must Pass. It's Because of my Dad that I was able to Let it Be and know that I was never The Fool on the Hill". Clearly, this Beatles' deal is Core's Ticket to Ride and that he and McCartney have started a Revolution in a Helter Skelter kind of way. McCartney added that, "It does Please Please Me that I've helped Core Get Back his mojo but my final words to him are 'Don't Let Me Down'." Hello, Goodbye to everyone.
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